Wednesday, December 23, 2009

On The 23rd Day of Christ*&^%$

On The 23rd Day of Christmas, TiZ reveals to you...

I bought my first vibrator for my 38th birthday..

The Toronto Symphony played Happy Birthday and the audience sang to me on my 38th birthday.

My 40th birthday was the best 5-year-old birthday party ever…everyone brought a dessert and there were sparklers and cartwheels and real fireworks…and some alcohol.

I was quite the 5-year-old.

I couldn’t figure out how to read in 1st grade so they put me in the slow group.

I figured out how to read in the 1st grade but hid it so I could help the other “slow kids.”

I sleep best with a dog in the bed.

I used to hide Christmas presents in the piano.

I once wished someone dead and they died. Now I’m careful what I wish for.

Having to show up for the unemployment lecture pisses me off ‘cause the minute they find out I’m an actor they let me go home.

I have a delicate system and I work very hard to take care of it.

I bit my nails ‘til I was 25.

I had a dream last night that I was coughing up hairballs…a lot of them. NASTY.

I have two fake plants in my apartment.

My apartment has tin ceilings. I think this makes me special.

My stapler broke a month ago and I just go to Staples to use their free stapler.

In addition to when it’s none of your business, I will lie if telling the truth would be the equivalent of kicking a puppy or telling a 4-year-old there is no Santa Claus.

I lied recently.

I can’t eat cereal in milk. Makes me throw up.

I like instant oatmeal that is not creamy at all, but overcooked…with lots of butter.

I’m so tired at this moment I am crying. I hate that kind of tired.

My MacBook Pro is almost too user friendly for my taste. I can’t get the hang of it.

I can’t wait for the holidays to be over so people will be “normal” again.


  1. I taught myself to read when I was four. I have a cousin my age who still can't get over the fact that I beat him to it.

  2. I can’t wait for Christmas to be over to end the despair of “what should be” for too many!

    I’m working Christmas day and wonder what will be. How do you give hope on Christmas, on a psyche ward?

    I’m looking forward to playing all my Christmas music, Christmas night with just Nik and the dogs as my audience. She’s the only one who doesn’t make me nervous.

    I bit my nails until 6th grade.

    I shaved my pits starting in 4th grade. That’s when the androgyny thing started to happen. It was horrifying.

    I couldn’t figure out what it was about boys that all the other girls liked. I didn’t want a boyfriend.

    I felt like I never fit in.

    Today, I chose not to fit in.

    I cried at turning 39.

    At 40 I was relieved.

    I love everything about the weather. I have a weather station in my kitchen.

    I wish I had my grandfather’s barometer. It was really cool.

    I worshipped my grandfather. He cleaned Charlton Hesstons teeth and had a cool office on Madison Avenue.

    I miss my grandparents, especially at Christmas.

    I hope my family gets along a little better next year.

    Today I believe you can chose who you wish to be in your family.

    I love comfortable shoes. If they look nice, it’s a bonus.

    I love Nitza.

    I used to wet my bed in college when I got really drunk.

    I threw up in Meb Varleys car the night of the junior prom. I was turned down by 2 guys.

    There was a white Sheppard on my street that used to chase me on my bike. Kids laughed at me. I went home and cried.

    I used to go snapper fishing with my older brother at the Surf Club and then my father would fry them up for dinner. Very cool.

    When I lived on a farm with my ex, I was too smart to bring a basket to the chicken coop to gather eggs in the winter. On the way back to the house once, I slipped and fell. Once in the kitchen, I felt a warm sensation running down my legs. Used a basket from that point on.


  3. tim-was your cousin 4 1/2?

    beth-can you shoot for clarity and kindness on the psych ward on christmas? that's just if hope seems unattainable. but doesn't hope mean different things to different people?

    i am tired, therefore i ramble.

    and i was invited to the junior prom and then uninvited.

  4. No, my cousin learned to read in first grade like a normal person. I was the freak.

    You probably have me beat in every other category, though.

  5. Kindness and hope were administered with care on Christmas as well as coffee, donuts and gifts. Turned out to be an OK day for all. My favorite doctor was working so we had time to catch up!


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