Thursday, December 31, 2009

On the 31st Day of Christ*&^%$

The 31 things TiZ is looking forward to in 2010 (in no particular order other than what my fingers are tap tap tapping)




T.O.M.B.—produced in all its manifestations

Physical involvement

The partner of my reality

Eating better

More and more fulfilling work

Losing 5 more pounds

Learning to play the uke reaaaally well and tapping muuuuuuuch better




Enough money to go around

Writing better-er and better-er


Reveling in synchronicity

Good luck

Warm baths with a frost TaB in hand

Laughter with delicious friends and family

Getting rid of this ZiT. I’m 46…what the fu?

More Two-Hander Production evenings

Creativity creativity creativity

Live music

Restful sleep

Continuing to clear the clutter

Getting a tat


More visitors to my mountain aerie

Seeing the world with wonder

Learning more about you, dear blog readers…aka bleaders.

Happiest of Eclipsed Blue Moon New Years to You. Let’s break on through to the other side.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

On the 30th Day of Christ*&^%$

The 30 things TiZ will not miss from 2009 (and will not repeat)...

Awful career luck.

My worst work year ever—50% of my former worst work year ever. Me hate recession.

Breaking up and knowing it was hurting me way more than the breaking up-ee.

Self-involvement masquerading as empathy.

Losing the beautiful rope necklace Nanapop gave me.

Attending a three-hour dance audition with one fifteen minute break (there’s gotta be a rule against that).

Blowing out my knee again.

Celebrex—makes me drunk-dial, drunk-text and have anxiety attacks.

The ungracious ones.

Lack of appreciation from others.

Lack of appreciation for others.

Cutting my bangs waaaay too short.

Four cold sores in the month of January alone. (The only good part of this was showing up to an audition and FIVE of us having them. It was like someone had slipped us all Ex and thrown us in a room together the night before. Pretty.)

Judgment from the dude at CVS over medication I desperately needed. Dude from CVS…I spit in your eye.

Having my period for three weeks straight. (I’ve worked this out. Don’t worry.)

People who think they are all alone and no one has it worse than they do when in fact the world is at their finger-tips and they are pretty darn well off.

Thinking I’m all alone and I have it worse than everyone else when in fact the world is at my finger-tips and I am pretty darn well off.

Performing outdoors in triple digit weather wearing two layers of wool plus some fur. “Cotton,” say I.


Peeps who say, “You have too much time on your hands.”

People writing racial slurs on my Facebook wall.

Clutter. So much clutter.

Terry's departure from our world.

The word “should.”

The phrase “may I suggest.”

Wasteful spending.

52 pages of prep for ONE AUDITION.

Online research. It saved my bankbook but skewered my soul.

Lying. I hate it, hated it, and never wish to indulge or be indulged again.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On The 29th Day of Christ*&^%$

TiZ susses out...

gratitude - (grt-td, -tyd) n. The state of being grateful; thankfulness.

grateful - (grtfl) adj.
1. Appreciative of benefits received; thankful.
2. Expressing gratitude.
3. Affording pleasure or comfort; agreeable.

29 things I'm grateful for today...

My home...gotta love rent-stabilization.

Brilliant friends.

Learning to use my own voice and not be a cheap copy.

2009 is ending. It was a huge learning experience but one I would prefer not to repeat. Please.

The generosity of those around me.

Learning to let go with ease and a wee bit of honor.

Homemade oatmeal raisin cookies.

Nana's still with us. Fading but fighting.

My computer--it's a mystical, magical dream-maker.


A taste of humility.

That Tom M. hasn't contacted me in almost two months.

My electric tootbrush. God bless anything that vibrates.

Jefe's video which made me laugh 20x today. If only I could figure out how to put it in an infinite loop.



Digest-zyme--it lets me eat wheat without me knees looking like pumpkins.

Finding Nana's check.

That "Red Shoes" video. Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes.

A Christmas that was so special it continues to reverberate.

Not having to go mid-town while there are so many tourists there.

New Year's Eve plans that don't confuse issues.


Going make-up and blow-drier free. Honestly? That shit's like a contact sport in my unwieldy paws.

A tentative job offer without an audition. Honestly? Shit. Auditions are like a contact sport in my unwieldy paws.

People who I can trust with my hopes and dreams and sweat...and other bodily functions.


My monthly unlimited ride Metrocard.

TaB Cola.

Monday, December 28, 2009

On The 28th Day of Christ*&^%$

TiZ offers you...

my current favorite video. If you too believe the song "The Christmas Shoes" was written by Satan, grab a beverage, pull up a chair and spend the next eight minutes in heaven...

Honest to Goddess, I'd hear this song and throw whatever electronic device was transmitting it into my brain. Patton Oswalt has rekindled my faith in humanity.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

On The 27th Day of Christ*&^%$

On The 27th Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you…

Holy crap, I appreciate all you all have done for me. This was such an interesting little experiment. I had a fear it was going to be distancing in a manner—basically, if you learned these things about me, you wouldn’t like me anymore. Turns out you are all as big freakmeisters as I be. Whee! How lovely! What a brilliant life lesson it’s taken me so long to learn. No more hiding.

The hands down winner is Ms. Beth. Ms. Beth would you like a few copies of the cd? They either go to you or they become nipple rings. Or a chocolate chip cookie pie? I owe one to Amazon Pam as well.

But so much love and appreciation to all of you who read, who read and commented, who read and commented and spawned their own blog game.

Taking requests for future projects, please.

I hope you all had the kind of Christmas I experienced. Will write about it very soon.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

On the 26th Day of Christ*&^%$

On the 26th Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

absolutely nothing at all. TiZ rests a much-needed and
much-beloved rest.

Friday, December 25, 2009

On the 25th Day of Christ*&%^$






Thursday, December 24, 2009

On The Twenty-Fourth Day of Christ*&^%$

On The Twenty-Fourth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I can’t wait for the holidays to be over for me to be “normal” again.

I think I ‘m non-confrontational. I supposedly don’t know myself very well.

I sometimes wonder if the directors and choreographers and producers and casting directors, etc. who resent actors do so because they realize they can't do it without them. I'm not saying all of them resent actors...just the ones who do.

I’m freaking out over the amount of plastic surgery running around the city.

I will never have plastic surgery.

I have no piercings whatsoever.

I have no tats.

I think I might get a tat.

I get HUGE colleague crushes…boys and girls alike.

I am a “thank you” stickler.

I dated a man who believed “love means never having to say thank you or please.”

I supposedly say thank you and please to a fault.

I love the smell of the first snowfall in New York.

I love the smell of the nape of a baby’s neck.

I wish people listened better…says the woman who keeps type type typing about herself.

I think stage managers are amazingly sexy.

I think we’re here to hold one another’s hands.

Hemorrhoids, anyone?

Sometimes I offer too much information.

My adopted grandfather called me his little sugar cookie. I miss my adopted grandfather.

I’m never the first actor at the buffet and I never take any home.

I got a detention in high school for saying “God bless you.” I mean…really?

The family of Tiz have feet with a distinctive smell.

I have hope…

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

On The 23rd Day of Christ*&^%$

On The 23rd Day of Christmas, TiZ reveals to you...

I bought my first vibrator for my 38th birthday..

The Toronto Symphony played Happy Birthday and the audience sang to me on my 38th birthday.

My 40th birthday was the best 5-year-old birthday party ever…everyone brought a dessert and there were sparklers and cartwheels and real fireworks…and some alcohol.

I was quite the 5-year-old.

I couldn’t figure out how to read in 1st grade so they put me in the slow group.

I figured out how to read in the 1st grade but hid it so I could help the other “slow kids.”

I sleep best with a dog in the bed.

I used to hide Christmas presents in the piano.

I once wished someone dead and they died. Now I’m careful what I wish for.

Having to show up for the unemployment lecture pisses me off ‘cause the minute they find out I’m an actor they let me go home.

I have a delicate system and I work very hard to take care of it.

I bit my nails ‘til I was 25.

I had a dream last night that I was coughing up hairballs…a lot of them. NASTY.

I have two fake plants in my apartment.

My apartment has tin ceilings. I think this makes me special.

My stapler broke a month ago and I just go to Staples to use their free stapler.

In addition to when it’s none of your business, I will lie if telling the truth would be the equivalent of kicking a puppy or telling a 4-year-old there is no Santa Claus.

I lied recently.

I can’t eat cereal in milk. Makes me throw up.

I like instant oatmeal that is not creamy at all, but overcooked…with lots of butter.

I’m so tired at this moment I am crying. I hate that kind of tired.

My MacBook Pro is almost too user friendly for my taste. I can’t get the hang of it.

I can’t wait for the holidays to be over so people will be “normal” again.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On The 22nd Day of Christ*&^%$

On The 22nd Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I actually hate the movie Love Actually.

I have had a month full of wonderful opportunity and absolute shite luck.

I needlepoint. I needlepoint to the extent some colleagues call me Madam Defarge.

I once told a colleague he wasn’t allowed to speak to me again until he had done something selflessly for someone else. Ten years later, he still hasn’t spoken to me. We spent half an hour in the same room on Friday. Nary a peep.

I have stopped saving things for special occasions. Every moment is special.

I don’t think I deserved to graduate with “Distinction in my Major” from Yale. I think Claude Palisca granted it out of sweetness.

I far prefer snow to rain.

I prefer showering in real rain to showering in a shower.

I love auditions where I get to kiss good-looking guys. It’s a bonus.

I think Kate Winslet is a great actor who acts terribly with an American accent.

I act better when I get to use an accent. Keeps me from pushing. Obstacles are good.

I have the tendency to be a Facebook junky.

I despise reality tv. Despise. It. Refuse to watch.

I have a giant tea cup collection. Not giant as in “a lot” but as in “huge.”

I’m scared to death of improv.

I’m supposedly pretty good at improv.

My soul can get rather doom and gloomy.

I try to sauna at least 3 times a week.

I do read over ancient press clippings thinking, “remember…remember…”

Networking makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I feel like I’m using people.

I have a bag of missed opportunities I need to stop carrying.

I have never owned an electric pencil sharpener.

Monday, December 21, 2009

On The 21st Day of Christ*&^%$

On The 21st Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

As a teenager my favorite author was Jerzy Kosinski. How was I ever that dark?

Last I heard my credit score was 765.

I went to opera school. I HATED it and want my fucking money back.

My first time was break-up sex.

I have dated many atheists. Kinda strange for the recovering Catholic girl that I am.

The first two weeks of rehearsal I’ll take any comedy suggestion from anyone. After that, stand back.

I often run myself to the point of exhaustion and then crash for 36 hours straight.

I have three children’s books…”Rosebud and Red Flannel,” “Peggy Plays Off-Broadway” and “Tizz on a Horse Farm” that were given to me by much beloved colleagues. They hold a place of honor in my home.

I haven’t washed my kitchen floor in more than a month. It’s sticky.

I was offered the Broadway production of The Woman in White. I turned it down ‘cause I was starring in a show on the West End. Ah, decisions.

I’ve been “Trevved.” I hope it happens again. Might not (see above).

I once dislocated my big toe while having the sex. Don’t ask.

My apartment looks like an Edwardian child’s playroom.

I still have a performance high f.

When I was 25 I was offered a position as the Gucci’s nanny. I turned it down. Didn’t think I’d do well as a servant.

When I was 26 I was offered a position as an analyst in a small arbitrage firm starting at $150,000 while training. I wanted to be an opera singer instead. Ah, decisions.

I can make some pretty fecking stupid decisions.

Mercury retrograde affects me very deeply. VERY DEEPLY.

I do crazy Italian well.

I don’t even fill out an A cup. My boobs are smaller now than when I was 13. How does that happen?

I sleep with my hand between my legs. Always have. Always will.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

On the 20th Day of Christ*&^%$

On the 20th Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

My waking pulse is 45.

I practice choreography in my sleep. I’m terrible the first day (like a DANCE CALL) but once I have a night to dream it, I’m spot on.

I have high cholesterol. Since the 4th grade. But everything else works so well no doctor wants to put me on meds for it. Woo hoo.

I black out for a couple of seconds every month…it has something to do with my menstrual cycle…ovulation I think. Once happened during an audition. And once while I was driving. That was bad.

For the first 7 months of the first national of
Titanic, I house-sat, dog-sat, cat-sat, etc. In other words, I lived rent-free and pocketed that per diem. Ka-ching.

I initially find self-involved people hysterically funny. It turns to exhaustion quickly. Am I exhausting you all yet? I’m not sure this was ever funny. Hysterical? Probably.

I am a Reiki Master. Did many of you know this and I owe you one?

My tv is 15 years old and works perfectly and I don’t need no high-falutin’ flat screen fucker.

I love being kissed on the back of the neck. One of the reasons my hair was short for so long.

I wish I had a million dollars. Hot Dog.

As a rule, I don’t think I’m funny.

If another person blocks me as I try to leave the subway, I’m gonna leave tread marks on ‘em.

I use a 35 year old laundry bag.

My feet are so skinny that Villy saved my last and hung it in a place of honor just for the freak factor. He recognized my tootsies again three years later the minute I took off my shoes.

Having feet this skinny makes every day activities like standing quite difficult at times.

My favorite director ever is Jim Harker, who was PSM of the Beast show.

I despise guitarists who don’t retune when necessary.

I have never bought a lottery ticket.

Residuals from a lottery commercial float me through this very tough financial year.

I can be cheap to the point where it costs me more. This pisses me off but not deeply enough or long enough for me to learn the lesson. I fear the next will be a whopper.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

On the 19th Day of Christ*&^%$

On the 19th Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

Children, as a rule, are very protective of me. It’s amazing.

75% of the time I talk “dog” really well. Dogs appreciate it.

I had an asthma attack so bad that when I tried to register in the emergency room they threw the oxygen finger cuff on me, yelled “triage” and whisked me away.

I had…um…a REALLY GREAT TIME (hint hint wink wink) in my dressing room at the Palace…once.

I have a voodoo Mickey Mouse that my friend Suz made for me. It is brilliant and a prize possession.

I have been known to use NYC medallion drivers as therapists. Once practiced a break-up with one. He did better than the actual boyfriend.

Nothing feels better than a q-tip in the ear. Aural sex.

Sending my book off to two agents makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

If I awaken before the sun, I throw up and cry.

I have a first edition, autographed copy of
La Boheme.

I did not have apartment insurance for twenty years.

When I moved to New York I was so poor I was relieved when work on the roof of my building leaked through into my closet ruining many clothes. I got a small settlement and all of a sudden I could pay for Christmas. It did leave me with a limited wardrobe for a while.

I dated a guy who picked me up at the airport wearing a paisley shirt, a checked sweater and a Madras jacket. I could have wept for the beauty of it all.

I was so disappointed when said boyfriend started to dress like a grown-up. Why, God, why?

I wear the black velvet, red satin lined skating skirt Nana made for my sister when she was 12. It’s festive.

When I fuck up an audition, I REALLY fuck it up…like people will never see me again fuck it up.

I yell back.

I once blacked out at an audition.

My blood pressure has been 90/60 since I can remember. It drops lower when I am under stress. I am the walking dead.

Friday, December 18, 2009

On the Eighteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Eighteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TIZ reveals to you...

Once…one time…I was one of those pathetic people drinking a beer out of a brown paper bag on the shuttle train at 6 in the morning.

My sister-in-law and I now refer to one another as "my sister."

If I don’t have time to wash the dishes, I store them in the refrigerator. I have had two cockroaches in the past 18 years.

I’m really excited to see how my Mike Errico Holiday Omen plays out. It’s a witch’s hat. Or a sorceress’ hat. Depends on how you look at it. Like most of life.

I watch
It’s a Wonderful Life every year. Always alone.

I’m very competitive and Nana has requested I not play games in public because I can get a little rude.

I told a boyfriend’s mom to “Shut up and go,” when she was taking too long playing Trivial Pursuit.

I stabbed the same boyfriend in the hand with a pencil during an exciting game of Pictionary.

I average two alcoholic beverages a week. I may go over this week.

I’ve smoked one cigar. I believe the odor is still trapped in my nose hairs…fifteen years later.

I think Silk Cut Silvers smell delicious…unlike any other cigarette.

I once dated a man so unattractive that Nana said, “He looks like Gomer Pyle, but not as good.”

I loved The Little Rascals and bought the entire video series before Bill Cosby bought the rights.

I don’t appreciate the people who think they have all the answers because they never do…and who was asking anyway?

I’m afraid these are getting reaaaaaaaaaaaally boring.

I’m afraid I’m repeating myself but am too tired and lazy to check through the rest of these posts.

I think Jeanette Winterson is the greatest living writer.

When I can’t sleep I watch
My Man Godfrey.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

On the Seventeenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Seventeenth Day of Christ&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I weigh myself every day.

Tonight is the Mike Errico Holiday Show at Joe’s Pub. The reason I’m telling you is there is a grab bag called Holiday Omen and the next day, absolutely every time, something amazing happens to me. He's a prophet. And he sings like an angel. Mike’s a prophet angel. You should go.

When I get drunk I steal things. I try to stay out of jewelry stores.

I saw a body pulled out of the Central Park reservoir. Really.

I pogo-sticked for 30 minutes straight.

It’s been so long since I cleaned behind my refrigerator I’m afraid the headline would read, “TiZ Cleans Behind Refrigerator—Jimmy Hoffa Found.”

At this point I believe the only appropriate response to a loved one’s passing is “I’m so sorry. That sucks. Sucks.”

When my nephew Kyle was born I grew another heart just for him.

Hospitals piss me off. I think if they do a surgery and the surgery actually ends up killing you, then you shouldn’t have to pay. A “pay as you exit” policy as it were.

If I don’t eat enough, often enough, and my blood sugar level drops, I am a raving bitch.

I sang “Ride the Chariot” at the top of the East Staircase in Grand Central with the Yale Glee Club. Such a cool venue.

I was one of a handful of people who witnessed Carly Simon’s first public appearance in years in…guess where…Grand Central. It was the same week I booked Beauty and the Beast, recorded a lead role for Atlantic Theatre Records and downed a whole bottle of Dom Perignon all by myself on Alec Baldwin’s tab at the King Cole Bar. Oh, he was there…and lovely…just not drinking.

That was a good week.

My brother, sister and I pass a bottle of Andre’s Cold Duck between as a gift and good luck totem. Living large, I tell you.

Graduation from high school I downed an entire bottle of Andre’s Cold Duck in 15 minutes. My mother discovered me three hours later asleep on the bathroom floor. No, not passed out. Resting comfortably.

I love heights and once scaled a building employing only an old fire hose.

I loved to fingerpaint with my poop. Gimme a break…I was little. And very creative.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

On the Sixteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Sixteenth Day of Christ&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

When I was five I learned that unbaptized babies went to limbo. Since in my little mind, of course, babies in Africa weren’t baptized, my vision of limbo was little black babies with bones through their noses, in the clouds, forever doing backbends under ever-lowering sticks. Not good.

I’ve dined in the West Wing of the White House.

I used to be a massive sugar junky. While in Beauty and the Beast I would eat a candy bar per show.

I only eat sugar one day a week. Except for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I once cured strep with a chocolate cake diet.

I don’t understand how the USPS could be so…so…

I was only supposed to be in this apartment for a year. Ten years later…the velvet chains of rent-stabilization.

I’m okay with wearing fur if the animal died before I was born. Ah, sweet rationalization.

The clay pipes they hand out at Yale graduation are not used for tobacco.

I used to trim my toe-nails by biting them.

I had four rather important audition yesterday. I am freaking out in retrospect.

I supposedly saw someone jump in front of the A train. I have no recollection but have little baby panic attacks when I’m at the Port Authority subway stop.

Growing up my favorite carol was…um…”Mark the hairlipped angel sings, jhklak dfkjgh ghfdjk hhjd sdkj ghfdjk uoyui.”

I think Jesus must have been a very nice man.

I believe in reason and truth…and magic and lollipops.

I wasn’t potty-trained until I was about…wait for it…four.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

On the Fifteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Fifteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

Twice I have ruled the world. It felt good. I was a benevolent ruler.

I dislike benevolent bullies more than I dislike bullies…aka, passive aggression just plain pisses me off.

I have dated complete wankers just because I thought they were fabulously talented. That fascination fades quickly, I gotta tell you.

Saturday, all I ate was open-faced peanut butter and butter sandwiches because I got me a supplement that would aid my gluten intolerance. Sunday I woke up four pounds fatter.

I have two wisdom teeth that are positively pre-historic. I must have been born of the La Brea Tar Pits.

I hate L.A. with a passion.

I can spread my toes very wide and use them like prehensile fingers. I once succeeded in playing do re mi fa so in the key of c on the piano.

I’ve never tried Methylenedioxymethamphetamin but rumor has it I would like it very much.

I have finally reached a point in my life where I will walk out of or turn off a popular movie if it’s just not floating my boat.

I dated the most boring man on the face of the earth. I thought it would be nice. It was and it wasn't. Nice isn’t enough.

I don’t take antibiotics. They make me smell.

I was once this height and 98 pounds.

I put on 50 pounds at Yale.

I use my Goddess Kali lunch box as a purse. Love and war in my very own hands. Plus a peanut butter and butter sammich and some TaB.

I hate the Coca-Cola Company. They said “nyet” to The CoFfee TaBle BoOk. SoBs.

Monday, December 14, 2009

On the Fourteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Fourteenth Day of Christ&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I have the soul of a thirteen-year-old gay boy. David Shire thought I picked a traumatic year. I DIDN’T PICK IT…IT PICKED ME.

Since Eddie Izzard thinks he is a male lesbian, and because our names would sound brill together, I think we should meet. I think we should date. I believe the universe must be off its access as this has not happened yet.

I worry that Eddie would find me thinly read and a snooze-bucket. After all, I don’t have an English accent and therefore I am NOT lovely.

In the 80s I almost gave a palm reader $200 to “hold onto” so my luck would change.

I believe luck is a talent.

I thought the Holy Ghost was a friend of Casper.

One of my agents recently called me conservative. This freaked me no end. I believe I might have a somewhat lady-like, educated, perhaps elegant air…even when farting...but conservative? Please respond.

I think it’s okay to smoke pot (medicinal ONLY of course) but cigarettes piss me off.

I sat next to the globe in geography class. I got an A. I know NOTHING about geography.

My daily sobbing so upset my second grade teacher, she threw a roll of tape at me and had to take the rest of the day off.

My hair is long for the first time in more than a decade because I wanted to have long hair again before I get old and die.

I used to have a knack of falling in love with my boyfriends' best friends. Oopsy daisy.

I have been known to dream of being an only child.

My mother is fading quickly. It is daunting to witness. (DON’T READ THIS, NANA, although I'm pretty sure you know.)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

On the Thirteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Thirteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I am astounded people requested. And I thank you. And what you wouldn't believe possible is that these will probably get even more random.

Today is the late great Poppy Tisdale’s birthday. I miss him oodles.

I like to keep my ukulele and the dumpster diving giant Carlo Ribera guitar next to one another because it looks like the guitar gave birth to the uke. Makes me laugh.

I have never thrown a real party because I’m sure that absolutely no one would come.

I have never done a one woman show because I’m sure that absolutely no one would come.

I am writing a one woman show…someone else might have to perform it.

Two agents are reading my book this month.

I work very hard not to be professionally jealous. Sometimes I fail miserably and am a catty bitch.

I am not skilled enough to be in the chorus of a Broadway show but am talented enough to white contract one. That’s weird, right?

I often wonder why the price of a Broadway ticket has doubled since I started but actors’ salaries have only gone up 50%.

I lost my virginity to a balance beam.

My second time was to a boy’s bike. Damned cross-bar.

I don't know the lyrics to The Twelve Days of Christmas past "five gold rings." The rest is jibber-jabber.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Twelfth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Twelfth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I’ve been hit by a car…twice. The first time it was the up-on-the-hood, hit-the-windshield, slam-the-ground kind of being hit by a car. I was fine.

I may have committed a felony. If I’m not sure, it doesn’t count, right?

As an undergrad at Yale, I was the honorary female member of an all male singing group. I have never been treated better. They are very dear to me.

I tripped a blind guy…accidentally.

I had such a crush on Robert Redford that I would feign sickness and miss school to watch his movies. Because of this it was thought I was a sickly child.

I have not had a cold this year.

I’ve only had the flu once and I’ve never had the flu shot.

I don’t think I brushed my teeth more than ten times total as a kid. I brush more now. I still don’t have any cavities.

I make fun of them but I loved my princess years.

I think red shoes go with everything.

I had my first cup of coffee in something like twenty years today. Please note the time of this post. There's a reason I don’t drink coffee.

I’ve really loved doing this and I’m surprised and honored by the number of people who’ve been checking in. If thirteen peeps write to me today, I will do The Thirteen Days of Christ*&^%$. If not, that’s grand too. I'm easy. It has been a strange, strange joy and a miraculous learning experience.

Friday, December 11, 2009

On the Eleventh Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Eleventh of Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I haven’t quite figured out how blogger works on my mac. It sure is different. Thanks for sticking with me through these nasty looking posts.

I have so many moles on my back that it looks like a constellation. I’m also pretty sure that if we connected the dots it would spell out something truly funky.

I don’t sleep well as a rule but doing the Twelve Days of Christ*&^%$ has helped all that. Sleeping. Baby. Me.

I often Often OFTEN had trouble sleeping as a kid. My dad would spoon me until I fell asleep.

I crayon when I am cranky.

My first New York boyfriend told me that I was bad at the sex. I hear his voice in my head far more often than I want to.

I hate country music. It is the Third Horseman of the Apocalypse.

I drive to hard rock.

I did not have a Christmas tree for ten years straight. My last landlord had died because of a Christmas tree incident (not watering…turning on the lights…fricassee…blah blah blah) so it turned me off to it for a while. But…IT’S BACK!

I sure can carry a grudge. It’s genetic. I’m working on it.

I have only purchased two new pieces of furniture…ever.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

On the Tenth of Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Tenth of Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I had recurring nightmares growing up that my dad was trying to burn me to death. Wow.

I like to think I'm tough but then I meet a wide-open kid so ready to be loved that I remember how important that is. Let's just walk around like that instead. Okay?

Almost ten years ago it was thought I had cancer. I did not. But that was not a fun month.

I've thrown a curve-ball.

My best bench-press was 110 pounds. My best reclining squat? 300 pounds.

This has been my least productive professional year in the last 15.

This has been one of my most creatively fulfilling years ever.

I was chased when I was 11 and attacked when I was 13. I was pretty sure it was my fault so I never told me parents. Oops.

I feel like I've taken on a bit of my friend Terry's soul and now talk to anyone and everyone.

I was really happy to get into my 46th year. People in my family end up hospitalized in their 45th. Phew.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

On the Ninth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Ninth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I once dated a guy who said he could prove that Hitler didn't know about the gas chambers.

I once dated a guy whose kids killed a kitten. Oh God, not
under my watch.

I once dated a guy who attempted back door maneuvers with no prep or reconnaissance.

I once dated a guy who lied about everything. Really. It was kind of amazing.

It's all the same guy. I don't date him anymore.

Just because I've forgiven you doesn't mean we're going to
engage. It just means I've forgiven you...and more
importantly, myself.

Every year for the past few I've learned a new skill. Last
year's was tap-dancing--I am now an advanced beginner.
This year's is ukulele--I have approximately ten songs in my

I have a Wise Old Man Friend. He was my therapist years
ago. When my dad died he figured he could serve me best
by becoming my Wise Old Man Friend. We have lunch.

Until my friend killed himself I thought I carried a lot more
responsibility than I actually do. When my Wise Old Man
Friend explained how I was not responsible for Terry's
death he also explained how I was not responsible for
world hunger either. This has been a load off my mind...
and my shoulders.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

On the Eighth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Eighth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

Loud, jarring sounds (like feedback) leave me incapable of communication. I can't form words. My mother thinks I'm a little autistic.

Every summer I spent a couple of days with The Lighthouse community. It was quite an education in the differently-abled for a child.

I was an absolutely beautiful child.

When I was six I was whacked by the ugly stick and it stuck until I was fifteen.

When I was fifteen, boys who had been rude to me started to be realllllllly nice because I was kinda cute. I told them, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off.

If left unchecked, I would have a full beard and moustache. I just love growing older with a somewhat Eastern European heritage.

Midgets freak me out. I know...I know...I'm working on it.

I've written to the Coca Cola Company in hopes of a CoFfee TaBle BoOk.

Monday, December 7, 2009

On the Seventh Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Seventh Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I was "fired" from my favorite job.

I hate liars and if I find you have lied to me, I will cut you out of my life pretty quickly.

I rarely lie but if it's none of your business, the lies fly out of my mouth.

My parents never had to really punish me. All they ever had to say was that they were disappointed in me and I was wrecked.

I love English accents and think the people who have them must be lovely because they sound so lovely. This has been proven wrong time and time again.

I am not allergic to poison ivy or poison oak or poison sumac.

I am allergic to most every other plant form.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

On the Sixth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Sixth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I can't count. Please refer to On The Fifth Day of Christ*&^%$. Thanks for the heads up, Lady Hamlet.

I think if anyone REALLY honest-to-God knew me, they wouldn't like me in the least.

I despise the rain. I am part cat.

I despise cats.

I despise showers. They are inside rain. I bathe. I find baths a huge comfort and if things are rough I've been known to dunk myself three times a day.

There are times when I think I am smarter than everyone else in the room. These times get me in ginormous trouble.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

On the Fifth Day of Christ*&^%$,

On the Fifth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I find the holidays quite daunting and would rather sit on my couch and watch re-runs of anything. Too. Much. Pressure.

I resent auditioning. I have an inkling this shows in said audition. Color me silly...

I rarely slept in my own bed until I was about four. Just went from bed to bed in the house. My mother finally stayed up three nights straight in a straight-back chair and kicked my ass back into my bed when I tried to asscape.

I've never had the mumps, measles or the chicken pox. Rubella? Yes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

On the Fourth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Fourth Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I still have nightmares that I did not meet my math requirements at Yale and therefore did not graduate. This nachtmare has been known to induce asthma attacks.

Every once in a while, and quite often right now, I am REALLY happy I'm single. Actually, relieved is probably the more appropos mot de choix. (Is that French or am I full of merde?)

I find the sound of clippers sexy. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I have a pair of power shoes. They are red and sparkly and full of magic.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

On the Third Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Third Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I become highly incensed when Susan Miller does not have her monthly horoscopes up within the first 15 hours of the first day of the month. I mean, come ON, Susan. You have 28-31 days to get it done. Or isn't it written in the stars?

I still wear the overalls my brothers gave me for my 12th birthday.

I don't like to make love without music playing. I guess I need a soundtrack. And most any music will do...except for rap.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

On the Second Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Second Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I have never, not for one second, not for one nano-second, not for one PICOsecond, EVER felt an iota of guilt over dislocating Timmy Lyon's jaw. I'd do it again in a picosecond. He was a wanker, even in the fourth grade.

I cannot wait for the time where I can wear pants with an Invisible Comfort hidden elastic waistband. Add TravAllure knit into the bargain and I'm happier than a porcine critter in crapdoodle. But the time has not come. Right now I believe it would be unsightly. And the world, as we know it, would come to an end.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

On the Fist Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Fist Day of Christ*&^%$, Tiz reveals to you...

I dislocated Timmy Lyon's jaw in the fourth grade. He had stolen my hat. I meant to kick him in the knee. I slipped. Oops. One might say I had had enough.
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