Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Phishing Tizerick

there once was a lady on facebook
who thought that she might take a quick look
when she opened the link,
"like your photo?" wink, wink,
she soon understood she was quite fookd.

Monday, February 22, 2010

TiZ and YaZ

Have you seen the ad, kidlings?

Wow...that commercial is trippy.

All those things those women are doing...they should NOT be attempting while hormonally challenged. Painting your walls a questionable color, getting married, CUTTING YOUR OWN HAIR! I mean most of those things you hire-out for, right? Wait...except for the getting married thing. Note to self.

And aren't they all signs of suicidal tendencies? Wait...except for the getting married thing. Note to self.

So they recommend YaZ...a birth control pill which is not just for women with PMS. No. One step further...

It deals with PMDD...premenstrual dysphoric disorder, "a condition with emotional and physical symptoms severe enough to impact your life."

Sounds like run of the mill PMS to me.

"PMDD symptoms include anger, irritability, markedly depressed moods, feeling anxious, bloating, change in appetite, headaches, muscle aches."

Well...that could be PMS, that could be the flu (from what I've heard. Me no get flu), that could just be a normal human reaction to a recession or just a normal day in the life of TiZ.

I don't know where I'm going with all this but those commercials are such AsS that I laugh mine off.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

On the 33rd Day of Christ*&^%$

On the 33rd Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

33 Things I Currently Don't Understand

1. Why anyone would be offended by my bringing a can of TaB into an audition. The rooms are DRY, folks. Would you rather me crack?

2. Why a healthy 20 year old woman would choose to sit on the subway floor.

3. Why her boyfriend would wipe his nose with his hand and then grab and re-grab the pole. I'm NEVER touching a subway pole again.

4. How my judgment can still be M.I.A. at terribly important moments.

5. How I can get have a hangover from two glasses of wine.

6. Why I can't remove bloopy sounds on Audacity with noise removal. Help if you have a clue what I am talking about, 'cause I obviously don't.

7. Why, recovering Catholic that I am, I forget about Ash Wednesday every year and believe there has been some kind of horrific accident, a new cult in town, or they're doing a remake of 'Children of the Corn.'

8. Why I still find it kind of amusing that my landlord (13 years ago), who suffered from burns and major smoke inhalation from a fire, waited 6 weeks to pass...on ASH WEDNESDAY! Sorry. It's kinda funny.

9. How it hasn't come out that RuPaul and Wendy Williams are one and the same.

10. How so many didn't know that Haiti existed pre-earthquake.

11. How so many didn't know that Haiti has been in major crisis for eons.

12. Why I find poo so funny,

13. Why people read my blog (other than I tell them to and threaten to beat them up if they don't).

14. Why I piss off so many people just by being myself. I'm not hurting anyone.

15. Why my shelf-life as a woman also coincides with my shelf-life as an actress. No one warned me of this. Sucky Suck Suck.

16. Why my friends bring me flowers when they visit. I LOVE that.

17. Why Terry died.

18. Why my dreams spin my reality in such a "whacked-out what have you been smoking right before you go to bed" way.

19. Upon waking, why I still believe said dreams are true. Reality, anyone?

20. How my ego can still wail like a banshee.

21. Why I would rather be bad and remembered than mediocre and lost in the mix.

22. Why people who don't know me at all try to friend me on Facebook but don't send an accompanying note, thus leaving me to send my "Do I know you?" missive. Help me out, folks.

23. Why Brandon's dad would EVER think I wouldn't remember him.

24. How people can be so familiar yet so surprising. These are the BEST people

25. Why anyone wouldn't want to go to a free movement class at Chelsea Piers. Soooo much fun.

26. Why TaB tastes so good.

27. Why I have such difficulty letting go of the past. It wasn't all that, right?

28. Why the heat in my apartment can range 20 degrees in one day.

29. Why I'm not sick ALL the time.

30. How I can be so grounded when I sing and so flighty the rest of the time.

31. Why I have such difficulty writing a beginning, middle and end.

32. What Farmville is and why Farmville is.

33. Why my day goes better when I blog.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

TiZ and AsS PiC of the WeeK

TiZ in 40 years**
**I actually just hope and pray I'll be half this cool in half the time...

Monday, February 15, 2010

Quote of the Week

Valentine's Day

It's good to remember that St. Valentine was beaten with clubs and then beheaded on February 14th.--John Patrick Shanley

I did NOT appreciate the fool on FaceBook who suggested we all replace our profile pix with a pic of ourselves with our partners and post how many years we've been together. FUCK YOU! HA HA! NO ONE PLAYED YOUR GAME.

bitter betty

p.s. Actually not. Just feeling persnickety this morning.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

TiZ SuckS AsS

or "The Slaggy Blogger."

You know you're a bad blogger when the Pajama King writes and asks, "What up? Where you been?"

Well...I've been in "Out of My Elementville."

Auditions allllll week for stuff I'm not really appropriate for...bitch. (Could NOT end that sentence with a prepostion.) At least I'm learning to ask questions of the right people. Okay...let's adjust that. At least I'm learning to ask questions. Not my forte. Always just assumed I was stupid and any question asked would be stupid.

Learning not to care. And the right people are being so generous in their responses.

Committee work at one of my unions...where everyone DOES knows more than I do. So I listen. And judge. I'm really good at the latter. Sometimes I question...as long as time spent formulating the question does not take away from time spent listening. The judging just comes naturally. Nooooo time at all.

Learning not to care, in that "I care" kinda way.

Continuing to edit a scene shot at the Pajama King's offices. iMovie and Audacity (and the PJ King) are awesomer than I am and the learning curve is steep.

I care...

Inviting four friends over to listen to a play I wrote. I like to call it T.O.M.B. Guess what it's an acronym for...Bitch. If you don't know...guess. If you DO know... STFU. (Although that "U" is a potential preposition, I am leaving the bitch off...Bitch.)

A lovely evening but traumatic. I rarely have peeps to my flat. It's my sanctuary. My safe place. People leave bits and pieces of themselves wherever they go...so I'm very careful.

There were supposed to be more people but weather and...well...life got in the way. The four perfect people showed up at the perfect time. All performers (at one time), some writers, one director, all with exquisite taste and hearts of gold.

And not one knew the other.

Now, people have read my writing. (Like right now.) And one of the friends in the room has read the play. But I've never been in the presence of anyone as they read my shit. And reading it in front of them?

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Poopy pants had I.

And to make sure I wasn't wasting anyone's time with my poopy-pants self, there were four bottles of wine, beer, stinky meats and cheeses and I made a chocolate chip cookie pie. And TaB. There was TaB.

I cleaned my apartment.

Other than cleaning my apartment, why do I do this? No one ate. I'm down half a bottle of wine, one beer and two TaBs.

I'm "UP" so much. Knowledge of T.O.M.B, of relationship, of jovial yet passionate debate...that I have the right director. Knowledge of the reality of true friendship...which I'm honored to learn about more and more often. You all aren't gonna let me go to my grave without that knowledge, are you?

And I'm "UP" questions. Questions asked of me and questions I'm asking myself.

But today, there will be no learning...except passively. Today I rest.** I rest in the knowledge of all I learned in "Out of My Elementville."

And that a few of the right bits and pieces left in my mountain aerie sanctuary are a-okay with me.

Stinky meats and cheeses, anyone?

**Sorry for typos and poor writing. Today I rest.

Monday, February 8, 2010

In Honor of Eddie Izzard's 22nd Birthday...

and his quote...

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."

I challenge you to start and finish...

I like my ____________ like I like my women/men. _________________.

While sitting with the Nana, out popped, "I like my scotch like I like my men. Tossed back. Straight. Single. Smooth. Slightly peaty. On the rocks. Expensive. 25 years old."


"With a TaB chaser."

I know you can do better than that...

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Trippy the Light Fantastique

So yesterday I took a job down at the Law and Order CI doing stand-in work. Not one of my life dreams...in fact it feels a little demeaning when you've co-starred on the show.

Oh well. In this economy, work is work. Right?


The casting office made me laugh when they called. They were worried I was gonna be nervous.


I explained I'd starred in a few Broadway shows, done some nice tv work and thought I'd be fine. Really. Not to worry.

A little demeaning.

And I WAS fine. Made the DP laugh doing impersonations of Lina Lamont talking into the mic in the floral arrangement. "Oh, Pierrrrrrrre."

And he made me laugh when he said, "Second team...Tiz, do the scene @ speed. I know you know it."

I DID know it. But how did HE know that?

I laughed again when instead of the other nice stand-in, I turned around and was all of a sudden schmacting with Jeff Goldblum. Honestly. He cut in in the middle of the scene. And I've got this "What the fuck are you doing, man?" look on my face.

I have cartoon face.

And Jeff Goldblum is a nice man.

Jeff Goldblum likes to sing the entire plot synopsis to the tune of "Where or When" in falsetto. He does it beautifully. (I was, however, slightly disappointed that he never took the alternate high ending.)

This episode's director likes to perform dramatic readings of The Pointer Sisters' hit song "I'm So Excited" in dulcet, posh, RP tones.

How much do I love that a little demeaning developed into quite delightful?

Life is so much easier with delightful people.

N'est-ce pas?

Fuck this economy,

Thursday, February 4, 2010

A Meeting of MinDs

I love the Book of Face. I love TaB. I think I've established both elsewhere en la blogue. The following is a perfect meeting of the two with the help of a hoodie I won from FaB musician Mike Errico. The exchange makes me very happy.

TaB endorses MikE ErricO

Looks like he's got a couple of other supporters, too
28 January at 18:09 ·
all that, and a voice of an angel.
28 January at 18:35 ·
KT- Hon, your left blinker is on.
28 January at 18:37 ·
kieran is KILLING me.
28 January at 18:56 ·
i ALWAYS signal...
28 January at 19:29 ·
but you're going straight ahead
28 January at 19:30 ·
Look straight ahead, there's nothin but blue skies...
28 January at 21:58 ·
TaB deserves a signal, whether you turn or not. Thank you.
29 January at 08:50 ·
Mm, ok to go x
29 January at 10:52 ·
Next record cover. Done.
29 January at 11:55 ·
Make it all covers. Call it Knockers on Heaven's Door.
29 January at 11:57 ·
the girls haven't gotten this much attention since they won "most popular nipples" in the bbc (branford basement communique).

they thank you.
29 January at 16:34 ·
It sounds dirty when you talk about it.
29 January at 16:50 ·
my three favorite oral fixations
29 January at 16:51 ·
The Girls haven't got this much attention since you flashed the entire company of TITANIC from stage left in one back in 1999.
29 January at 17:57 ·
dear facebook friends. i would never doing anything so unseemly.
29 January at 18:54 ·
dear facebook friends. sometimes i lie.
29 January at 18:54 ·

KT- Gee, and all this time, I thought it was an iceberg.
29 January at 18:56 ·

Names have been reduced to initials to protect the warped. I kinda love the warped. Actually, there's no "kinda" about it. I love the warped TiZaliciously.

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