Friday, July 31, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me

Happy Birthday to Me
Happy Birthday dear Tizzy
Happy Birthday to Me



Just a hop, skip and an umbrella turn from my 50s. Holy fuckballs, Batman.

How did this happen? I don’t feel this old. I don’t look this old. I definitely don’t have that old person smell about me (you know the one I’m talking about).

And I have very little to show for the 24,177,600 minutes I’ve been inhabiting this fair world. Actually, absolute dick to show for it all. Dick dickety dick dick.


I rang in 24,177,600 minutes of la vida loca at Beale on Broadway here in old St. Louis, listening to this fab diva, Kim Massie, belting out the blues in a shack by the river. She rules. My dear Sun even got her to sing Happy Birthday to me. A real Happy Birthday...multiple verses and all. How lucky can one girl be? I will ring it out at The City Museum…7 story slide, 3 story playground, caves and all. It rules. Twixt the two events, I believe there will be a Sonic visit (I’ve never been). There will definitely be a show. Maybe some alcohol. No, not at the show. Calm down, Shirley.

I’m a bit peevish. 46 years old. Really? Dick dickety dick dick.

Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me seeing really is believing.

Love you.

Thursday, July 30, 2009



That’s right. Others need Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin. Me? I’s got me my Tab Cola. Did you know it’s a beautiful drink…for beautiful people? Yes, indeedy. Nectar of the Gods. If I’m having a bad day, all I need do is crack a frosty can and I’m flying high.

Notice the straw? That’s to keep my teeth from rattling around my gaping maw like Chiclets in their yellow box. Notice the length and breadth of the straw? That’s so I can mainline. Notice how it’s wedged through the pulltab? That’s to keep it from bobbing and weaving. I am not the Adult Child of an Engineer (ACE) for nothing. Notice how it's balanced precariously on the edge of a balcony? It's a staged picture. I ain't stupid.

Things got so bad sad rad in March that I was drinking 9 TaBs a day. Nine. That ain’t good. Not only for my body, but my weeny wallet. It was costing me at least $45 a week to keep my habit up. That’s a discount Broadway ticket. A lovely meal. In April I decided to fix that and went down to 2 a day. I was jonesin’ I tell ya, jonesin’. Colleagues were begging me to go for a fix, but I refused. I was strong and I kicked it. And 2 seemed and still seems good…any more and I’m chasing the tail of the dragon.

Problem is, here in St. Louis it’s $4 a twelve-pack. Not much incentive for this TaB-Head.

TaB…Better Living through Chemistry.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Words of Wisdom from the Book of Face

Some of you, dear readers, are my facebook pals I'm sure. Some of you aren't. And it's for you that I have compiled a few of my fav quotes from the teeny tiny box neath Facebook profile pics.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" Mary Oliver (Yes...this is mine. Yes...I finally consider myself a friend. Yes...I am a sad, sad pasty-faced girl.)

"I have a new love for that glittering instrument, the human soul. It is a lovely and unique thing in the universe. It is always attacked and never destroyed - because "Thou mayest." " John Steinbeck

"We work in the dark, We do what we can, We give what we have, Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task, The rest is the madness of art.” -Henry James

"Fighting through the fear, one step at a time..."

"Write something about yourself."

"Okay, so I'm not computer savvy. I have not changed my status. I am married and have been for 8 years. Stick with me people, I'm blonde!"

"In NYC there's no such thing as a walk of shame! Except for sunday mornings when you just got out the club from workin it, then ya get on the subway and everybody's got on their Sunday best headin for church to praise them some Jesus! Lol! Whoo!"

Your words have such power to do good or evil that they must be chosen carefully, wisely, and well." Wayne Dosick

"Lurking behind every chance to be made whole by fame is the axman of further dismemberment." Leo Braudy

Do you have any fav that I have somehow missed? Lemmeknow.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Fuck a Duck

How about Don King Duck?
Look at that fro. it's a little difficult to see but that's NOT a rock on top of his head.
I mean...really?

Monday, July 27, 2009


Welcome to the Tiz and Ass Family


Bienvenido argentina, ¿cómo estás?

and Finland
mieluinen Suomi. kuinka aari te?

Don't you love Finnish vowel clusterfucks? They're pretty. The only other Finnish phrase I've ever known was for "toe jam." Phonetically it's "yalka hicky," but the online translator says it's "varvas hillo."

You learn something new every day.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Anal Banalities*

Just when you thought it was safe to return to the blog.

These late entries...

Anal Sequoia
Anal Tribute
Anal Escape
Anal Lumina (is this a repeat?)

and the joy-inducing

Anal Rodeo.

No need to thank me.


Friday, July 24, 2009


There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

Aren’t these shoes great? More about them later…

I have been absent from my sexless abode for almost seven weeks now. By the time I return it will have been ten weeks…the longest I’ve left it bereft in more than a decade.

I miss it.

I miss New York.

I miss the smell of human urine.

It’s not that I don’t like St. Louis. I do. But there is a general absence of the eau de piss humaine. No lack of culture…theater abounds, a great joint called the City Museum (basically a giant playground with a 7-story slide), and a world class botanical garden. Not to mention the custard best known as Ted Drewes. And if you are a gun-totin, casserole-eatin, cigarette-smokin Republican, it’s truly the town for you.

I am none of those things.

Now, if i have offended any of you St. Louisians, I apologize. That being said, however and whatever, I am unused to a society where one has to be reminded to check one's firearm at the door. I am unused to a society where the quantity of food consumed is celebrated.

Please don't hate me. I just miss my city. New York has been my home for half my life now and we've wended and blended and it's morphed itself into a much needed appendage. And when absent for too long, I’m a bit of a gimp.

My show opened recently and I am now faced with the long days. For the first time in forever, I have leisure and it’s confounding. Should I consume it with constructive activity? Or should I lax it up a bit in preparation for five-show weekends and my inevitable return to New York where I will confoundedly pound the pavement, bark down doors, and egress and aggress with a curtsy and a smile just to be noticed?

There must be Middle Ground for La Gimp Imp.

Today has consisted of a teensy tv, a uke nuke, the ever present and potent Anal Game, work-out world, cv nb, writing to you and being turned on to this adorable video.

Which I have watched ad assholian because I love all things canine (Remember the
Ollie Chronicles?). It’s molto adorabile, right?

Meditation minutes, bathing beauty, a shiny show and some yoga y’all should finish off the day.

I'll live in the Land of Middle Mania until I can return to the place I love the best.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

TizHouse Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie

For those who have requested and waited oh so patiently, and especially to "anonymous" for the additions of "Anal Probe" and "Anal Speedster," and in honor of the opening of THE DROWSY CHAPERONE (for which I fear I will be crucified by the critics and Thalia, Terpsichore and Euterpe as I am playing in the Assholian Mode)...

The TizHouse Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie Recipe

1 9 inch graham cracker crust pie shell

2 large eggs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
just a skoche less than 1/2 cup granulated sugar
just a skoche less than 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup Crisco Butter Flavored Shortening (please don't hate me)

1 1/2 cups (9 oz.) Semi Sweet Chocolate Morsels

PREHEAT oven to 325° F. BEAT eggs in large mixer bowl until foamy. Beat in flour, granulated sugar and brown sugar. Beat in butter. Stir in morsels. Spoon into pie shell. BAKE for 45 - 55 depending on level of gooiness desired.

You can also shake it up with some peanut butter, or butter scotch chips or...almond extract.

If any of you bring this to any 10 out of 12s I'm involved in, you will be officially dead to me.

Was that too harsh?

Lah de dah

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Quote of the Week

"I always believe there's a band, kid."

--Harold Hill, THE MUSIC MAN

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Anal Redux*

Anal Ram
Anal Cube
Anal Legend

and a friend's first car...

Anal Mystique.

The Anal Game--the gift that never stops giving.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Happy Happy

Happy 1000th visitor. I don't know when this happened. My counter said it happened recently but since I didn't have the counter up for the opening ceremonies, or in fact the first month, fucked if I know.

But this has been a joy. I know I've been lax as of's not because my interest is waning which it tends to do as I have the attention span of a gnat. A cousin recently asked me if I had ADD, to which I said, "Shut up." It's not ADD...its an active imagination, active mind, active soul, active heart, active interest in all things.

Which is what's getting in the way at the moment. I'm opening a show (five show weekend y'all), I'm staging a bathroom (what?), I'm studying scripts, I'm making new friends, I'm baking, I'm getting my baked, fat ass out in nature, I'm playing the Anal Game, I'm reading a GLORIOUS book (these books keep falling into my lap and hands and soul y'all) and I'm learning to play the uke.

The uke?

Yes, the uke.

In other words, I'm living life.

And sometimes living a life is better than writing about a life.

And living a life with a uke is definitely better...I think. At the moment my fingers are raw, bleeding stumps but it's a pittance to pay for being Happy Happy.

And as a gift to you I will soon post the Tiz-House Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie recipe. It's the least I can do for faithful friends.

1000. Daunting.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Lazy Ass

I forgot, just completely forgot to mention favs--

Anal Midget
Anal Gremlin
Anal Beetle
Anal Bug
Anal Mini
Anal Rabbit


Anal Spyder

I'm just sayin'...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Games People Play

So…when you leave town to do a show that’s not on the BroadWAY (aka regional theater) sometimes you have to share a car with castmates. And sometimes travel to the theater can be extensive. Listen to me…as a New Yorker if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes it’s TRAGIC. But when you spend a tragic amount of time in a car with castmates, you get to know them…and the games people play.

I was introduced to the following game by a new friend/castmate/leading man/SUPERSTAR. I find it more titillating than the License Plate Game.

Let’s call it the Anal Game.

Take the word “anal,” add “model of car” and it equals the sum of FUN. I try to play only while passengering (I ride shotgun or Kurt Cobain) as I almost rear-ended someone while trying to read their model while commandeering a large metal object behind whose wheel I should never be.


But here are just a few examples…

Anal Frontier
Anal Discovery
Anal Explorer
Anal Jimmy
Anal Cougar
Anal Odyssey
Anal Sidekick
Anal Avanti
Anal Cavalier
Anal Silhouette
Anal 4x4
Anal Vibe
Anal Hummer
Anal Echo
Anal Aura
Anal Yukon
Anal Tahoe
Anal Escalada
Anal Sierra
Anal Crown Victoria
Anal Focus
Anal Ranger
Anal Grand Marquis
Anal Towncar
Anal Courier
Anal Flex
Anal EcoSport
Anal Fiesta

Anal Excalibur
Anal Escape
Anal Mariner
Anal Montego
Anal Thunderbird
Anal Ka
Anal Daewoo
Anal Accord
Anal Silhouette
Anal Fusion
Anal Edge
Anal Accord
Anal Contour
Anal Vue

and last but not least, an oldy but a goody…

Anal Woody.

I know the list is extensive, but I don't think I've even begun to plumb the depths. We’re talking hours of assholian enjoyment, best known as anal stimulation. Try it at home. Try it on the road. Let me know what you come up with...bitch.*

*Remember…never end a sentence with a preposition, bitch**

**Sometimes I just like to write "bitch."

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Quote of the Week

I was once asked if I had any ideas for a really scary reality TV show. I have one reality show that would really make your hair stand on end. “C-Students from Yale.”

--Kurt Vonnegut

Monday, July 13, 2009

Did You Know?

Did you know, ladies, that if you raise your arms over your head, placing them slightly behind your ears, straighten them and then jump up and down, that your bubbys will rotate in opposite directions? Like a well-worn strippers?

I learned this at work.

Don't you wish you worked where I work?

Try it at home. Or at work. It's fun.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

AmbASSador to the World

Guten Tag, Deutschland. Wie geht's, wie geht's, wie geht's?

привет россия. как - Вы

and last, but not least...

喂新加坡 您好嗎

I mean...come ON! How fun is this? Germany, Russia and Singapore? I've spent 7 months of my well-worn life in Germany, 1 1/2 in Russia (all in St. Petersburg specifically. Oh to return, if only for the Pyati Zvodznaya) and NO time at all in Singapore but a week in Beijing. Yes, I know Singapore went independent in '65 but they still mostly speak Mandarin, so there!

All I'm saying is there is world peace in this one bitty corner of the internet. Follow my lead, people.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Guerilla Theatre Part Deux

Sign at Stages St Louis...I shit you not.
What is it about theatre in Saint Louis that entices patrons to bear arms?
Enquiring minds wanna know...

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Mean-Spirited Moi

Okey dokey…I know I can be a bitch. YOU know I can be a bitch. And I’m about to demonstrate the above…below.

So…years ago I dated this guy. If you’ve been flogging the blog, you will remember him as “Rush Limbaugh Lover.” He also loves Ann Coulter. (Gay Husband and I call her “Ass Cu&ter”)*

As he grew up in a neighboring village, he is one of the reasons I’ve steered clear of St. Louis. As I wended my way through the autumn without my whereabouts being uncovered, I thought I’d be safe this summer.

She’s OUT!

The morning after Annie opened, the following popped up in my inbox. (That sounds dirty, right?)

I hope the opening was great. I would have loved to have taken the kids to The Muny to see the show, but we won't be in-country until July. (I think the last show I saw from the grass was Gypsy with Tyne Daly!)

I've planned to leave our trip this summer a more open-ended, most of July and probably part of August. I want the kids to spend time some with their grandparents and the rest of the family. Maybe, if you don't mind being seen with an intellectual troglodyte** and your Drowsy cast doesn't already plan to do so, you'll let me take you out for your birthday.


This was the first missive I’d received from him in close to three years. I’d shut him down after a twenty-two paragraph email, nine paragraphs of which had detailed the women he’d dated since we’d broken up. I was just the teensiest bit peeved.

However, since he reached out and since I believed I had forgiven, I reached back…albeit tentatively.

hey tim -

wow. let's just say performing in 101 degree heat index wearing two layers of wool and some fur was perhaps the most disgusting experience of my life.

sweet birthday sentiment. thank you. believe a friend will be in-country (?) at that time but thanks for the offer. perhaps a quick ted drewes another time...

hope you and the kids are well.


I thought my response was pleasant, non-committal and appropriate after three years (and a recent heart-break).

This is the passive-aggressive bullshit I got in response.

And it's only June. At least you'll get to work inside for the rest of the season.

At least you'll have a contiginency. Admittedly, it may rank just below room service alone in your hotel room and only slightly ahead of working as a fill-in at a medieval times festival, though.*** If your friend is not able to be there and you find yourself choosing the former, you'll be able to rationalize, "Well, I could have gone out with Tim." (It's the least I can do for you.)

We are well, thanks. I could certainly go into excruciating detail,**** but I'll spare you that. In short, the kids are healthy and getting along in their respective worlds. Of course, I think of you always in a good way and wish only nice things for you.

We'll see about Ted Drewes. Enjoy your summer.


I just don’t understand the thru-line of the “contiginency” paragraph. Can you tell me what he is trying to say? I'm beginning to feel like an intellectual troglodyte myself.

But It’s the Ted Drewes comment that pisses me off the most. We’ll see? We’ll SEE? What? Is fat boy on a diet? We will not be seeing about Ted Drewes. We will not be seeing about anything.

Forgiveness has seemingly fled the premises and a fog of fuming, flatulent self-righteousness has seeped into the cracks of my soul.

Am I way out of line here, people? Am I choosin' a bruisin’? Please tell me.

Am I exorcising demons or exercising them?

Forgiveness will return. It has to...for my sake.

*I just learned to say that word. I obviously still have trouble committing it to print.

**He is an intellectual troglodyte. He believes he can prove empirically that being gay is a choice. He also believes he can prove that Hitler did not know about the gas chambers. And my only question is, “Why?” And it's not that I mind being seen with an intellectual's that I mind BEING with an intellectual troglodyte.

***One of my worst nightmares and he knows it.

****Something he is famous for. I’m not sure if it's symptomatic of a conservative or an intellectual troglodyte.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Quote of the Week

if our lives are fiction, i am the story. i can always change the story. i'm changing the story.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

JUMP Correction


Monthly I hang at and Sundays I astutely attend

In addition, Jeanette Winterson features psychic Henri Llewelyn Davies at monthly. How can I HELP but read? Jeanette is my favorite living righter.

I just realized I truly am a sad, sad pasty-faced girl...not because of Jeanette...I just so seem to want to hand over the reigns.

It may be a few days before you hear from me again. Little sistah hasn't had a day off in a month. And Monday is the fulfillment of the eponymous and ever elusive Alone Day.

See you when my soul has returned to my body. Sei gut!

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Just in case you thought you knew me

When I awaken, daily, I go to

to read my horoscopes.

Thursday mornings mean

and monthly I attend .

Looking at the length of this list some may think I border on obsessisive compulsive. Some may think I hopped, skipped, jumped and umbrella-turned over that line.

But I think I'm cute. And I like to make a deformed decision. And I like not feeling responsible for how it all turns out. I mean...if the STARS and the CARDS say ain't my fault.

So yesterday, I JUMPED.

The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero's heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't care where I've been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it's for me to find out. For, like Alice, I'm on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I'll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I'll never know until I try.

I jumped and it was goooooooood.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Robert and Rufus

I wrote yesterday. I wrote poorly yesterday. Robert read yesterday. Robert responded yesterday.

Robert is kind.

But to keep him from having to respond to another blah's some Rufus Wainwright. He wrote about my life a little bit better, a little bit stronger, a little bit stranger than I can wright now.

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we won't mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted
Sitting here remembering me

Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Takes a lot of sentimental valiums
Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of a Lesson in Tightropes
Or surfing Your High Hopes or adios Kansas

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
A little bit Tower of Pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

Am I wright?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

New School

First day at a new school is hard, kids. You have new friends—or no friends. Who are you going to eat lunch with? Who will you hang with on the playground? Will you like the teacher? Will the teacher like you? What are we studying? Will I capisce? What are the rules and regulations? Do I have to raise my hand to go to the bathroom? Will I need a hall pass? Where are my crayons? Mommy!

And what if I have to ride the short bus?


And why doesn’t this get any easier EVER?

After 19 days as the nicest lady in the musical theatre canon—Grace Farrell in Annie—and with one…(okay…too funny…I walked away to do some yoga. I have no clue what “and with one” was leading up to)…oh…now I remember—and with one overlap day, I am now the alchiest lady in the musical theatre canon—Drowsy of the Chaperone show. It's a bit of bi-polar culture vulture shock AND a little daunting as I just worked with the broad (rhymes with God) who won a well-deserved Tony for her portrayal on the BroadWAY. But heck…she won’t be in town to see it, will she?

Will she?

This is definitely a short bus kinda show.

And I haven’t had a day off in 24 days…never mind an eponymous and elusive “alone day.” I'll soon be riding the shortest bus of all.

But the kids are nice. As are the teachers. Maybe if I share my box of crayolas, everyone will like me…even if I’m not the Tony lady.

I hope so.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Quote of the Week

"Stop that boy, I wanna get on."

--Alec Baldwin on SNL
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