On the Twenty-First Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Twenty-First Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

People tell me things.

People tell me personal things.

I try to offer helpful suggestions that they probably don't want.

I think people often already know the answers, but just don't want to act on them.

Most people just want to be told "it's alright."

I am a cashmere junky. (Hint hint Santa.)

I have more money in retirement than I have access to readily.

I would like to have more access to ready money.

I don't like being on the road.

I'm so happy that I am home.

Today is going to be a bad day.

I pee a lot.

My tub is cleaner (stain-free) than it's ever been...and I don't know how it got that way.

I've put on eight pounds since last year.

I've put on ten pounds of muscle since last year.

I am a Groupon addict.

When I'm overtired, I throw up.

My rug sheds more than a dog.

I want a dog.

I like it when good friends stay in my apartment.

I am the only person in the history of mankind who got mono and GAINED weight.

On the Twentieth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Twentieth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

Mercury REALLY retrogrades on me.

I overschedule.

Because I overschedule, I get overwhelmed.

I can become quite self-righteous. A kinda soapbox atop a high horse.

I'm working on it.

I continue to dream that I missed graduating from Yale by one math credit.

I believe I didn't deserve "Distinction in My Major" and that Claude Palisca bestowed it because he liked me.

I can watch reruns of "The Nanny" incessantly.

All franchises of "Law and Order" are comforting when out of town.

I think I'm in the midst of perimenopause. I'm not really enjoying it.

I haven't paid to have my hair colored in three years. Thank you, Bumble and Bumble.

I got a Brazilian Wax for the entirety of the Bush administration. I didn't want anything on my person alluding to him.

I have the best agents in the world.

The reason my hair is long is I wanted to have long-hair just once more before I die.

I thought the long hair would drag my face down and age me. It did not.

I like to wear pigtails.

When I lose weight my entire life becomes about "being a pretty girl." Ridiculous.

I prefer people making time for me as opposed to squeezing me in. There is a difference.

I used to bite my toe-nails.

On the Nineteenth Day of Christ&^%$

On the Nineteenth Day of Christ&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I mourn like a baby elephant.

When I'm overtired, I say, "Carry me, Daddy."

On the first day of my period I am incapable of censorship.

I go on crying jags.

I go on laughing jags.

My crying jags and laughing jags can be one and the same.

I like to make YouTube videos.

Sometimes I accidentally say my prayers as I go to sleep.

Sometimes I hear what I want people to say instead of what they said. Not often, but sometimes.

The first two times I read "Eat, Pray, Love" I thought it was amazing.

The third time I read "Eat, Pray, Love" I found it amazingly selfish.

Style can cover a lot.

I love meat.

I love butter and will just eat it pat by pat.

I love lobster...as a conduit for butter.

I can eat an entire package of Oreo DoubleStuffs in a single sitting.

I believe calories imbibed through alcohol are non-fattening.

I believe calories consumed because of alcohol are equally non-fattening.

on the eighteenth day of christ*&^%$

On the Eighteenth Day of Christ&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I have always put anything that makes noise on a wall that abuts with no other apartment.

I despise people who put noisemakers on walls that abut with my apartment.

I don't know how to use the word abut.

I don't always put on a happy face. In fact, less and less so as I grow older.

People often think I'm about a decade younger than I am.

I do not have unmitigated faith in anyone or anything.

I've watched myself do too many fucked up things to even have that kind of faith in myself.

I can get terrible PMS.

I try to lock myself away for at least a day a month.

I am an aunt to a most wonderful one.

I don't much care what it's supposed to be. I care what it is.

I think "please," "thank you" and "I'm sorry" are mighty important in the world of relationships.

I once dated someone who thought "please," "thank you" and especially "I'm sorry" were superfluous once in a committed relationship.

I thought a MacBook Pro would change my life for the better, and it has.

I have not yet learned how to use GarageBand.

I have been out of town for twenty-seven of the last thirty-seven weeks.

I think my friend Mommy has one of the most beautiful voices ever.

I have VERY generous friends.

On the Seventeenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Seventeenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I do not understand organized religion.

I don't get it...

On the Sixteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Sixteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

Sometimes I think I really screwed up by not having children.

I was born as Nana turned 40...back in the day you didn't do that.

My sister told me I was brain-damaged because of it.

I was an accident.

Nana preferred to call me a "pleasant surprise."

It breaks my heart that Nana has outlived all her contemporaries.

Nana wished a child on me just like me.

Sometimes I think about Nana a lot.

I bought a pair of boots that were so awesome that Nana went into arrhythmia.

I have 4 pair of the most awesome boots ever made.

My friend Johnnie lent me money so I could purchase a pair of suede patchwork go-go boots.

Two men together once bought me a hat because it was the perfect TiZzy hat.

I still have the perfect TiZzy hat.

When I'm doing a show, I always wake up the next morning with a bobby pin still in my hair.

A wig mistress once did such a crap job I gave her a crap tip. Really crappy (on both our parts).

I remain friends with boyfriends' parents YEARS later. It's a gift.

On the Fifteenth Day of Christ*&^%$ Redux

On the Fifteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

Sometimes I blog really poorly and post things instead of scheduling them.

I didn't have the heart to delete the December 12 version because of the comment.

According to a friend, I got a little "stalky" regarding a certain comedian who has a nickname rather similar to mind.

Showers make me feel like I'm drowning.

I rarely receive flowers when I perform. It's such a treat when I do.

I eat gluten and sugar free 90% of the time.

I resent gluten-free products having SOOOOOOO many calories.

I recently learned I can write off gluten-free products, which is awesome, 'cause they are EXPENSIVE.

My boobs are growing.

You have to pay me to wear a bra.

Designers always want to put me in a padded bra for shows. To them I say, "Not everyone is perfectly proportioned...even onstage. Let's make the small-booby, big-butt women feel good."

Sometimes clouds have a shitty lining. I've come to terms with that.

I greatly admire charitable acts and those who perform them.

It's been way too long since I've been to the dentist.

I have (had) no cavities.

I only have my upper two wisdom teeth left. Since they have no lower wisdom teeth to stop them, they have reached prehistoric proportions.

I hate the state of Arizona. Texas, too. Missouri is no winner.

I now officially can't count.

On the Fourteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Fourteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I have a worry line above my nose that is so systemic, people think it's a scar.

I am remarkably thrifty.

I have underwear I wear for performing only. It's not very pretty.

Sometimes I wear men's underwear.

I'm uncomfortable leaving my apartment empty.

Random acts of kindness make me weep.

Planned (and expected) acts of kindness make me weep as well.

I can become very proud of myself over tiny, tiny endeavors.

I become incensed over people being paid great money for doing a lousy job.

I may have had an infection on my big toenail for about a decade...or so.

I asked for a Singer sewing machine a decade ago Christmas, and I haven't used it yet.

I don't know how to use a Singer sewing machine.

Children feel the need to protect me.

I don't much like "things" but there is a handpainted poppies sweatercoat from Anthropologie I'd fancy for Christmas, Santa. The code is 19410778. Size small. Thank you.

On the Thirteenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Thirteenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I have an unofficial diagnosis as a sensory defensive. This explains a lot.

I only bathe.

I rock back and forth when I get upset.

I once had a boyfriend tell me something so jaw-droppingly awful about his children that I found myself pulling at the door handle so I could escape from the car...while it was in motion.

I wish I could make a living recording.

I have a REALLY deviated septum.

I may be a Facebook addict.

I sit in the window seat on planes so I can curl up like a fetus and sleep.

I never got the Presidential Fitness Award.

I've dined in the Executive Mess in the West Wing of the White House.

I wore a mini-skirt and pig tails.

I corpse magnificently easily onstage.

Sometimes I'm remarkably lazy.

On the Twelfth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Twelfth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I'm wondering if this has captured your interest.

I'm wondering if I should continue with this 'til the end of the month like last year. Please weigh in.

I sleep with books.

I wanted to be a back-up singer for Frank Zappa but he DIED.

I hate that actors are treated as if we should be grateful for work. Don't worry. We are. Really. But please show respect for us in return.

Anyone who thinks atmospheric hazers and foggers are okay should have to drink a pint of the fluid...as that's probably what I've ingested during a run.

I love surprise gifts. It takes very little.

Chocolate chip cookie pies make everything better.

I like my clothes on the floor. They wrinkle less that way.

Cheese is good.

I'm having some trouble with the concept of God. I may be an atheist.

I can get so excited that I use up my joy reserved for alternate days.

On the Eleventh Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Eleventh Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

Sometimes my funny bone breaks. It's sooooo not funny when that happens.

I recently jumped up and down when I met a man who remembered Paul Tripp's Birthday House and its theme song, "Hi, Mike."

When my blood sugar level drops, I am a ripping bitch.

I desperately appreciate old friends who know me bone and sinew...even if we have very little in common anymore.

If my colleagues behave poorly, I feel responsible.

I can sing all of Frank Zappa's "Apostrophe" album by heart.

I have a bad bad potty mouth.

When I have a huge zit in the middle of my forehead I pretend I'm a unicorn and have magical powers.

Fool me once--fuck you.

Fool me twice--ain't gonna happen.

I was recently fooled. The gloves are off.

On the Tenth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Tenth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I like to make up sayings.

I hope my sayings become part of the lexicon.

Ask a stupid person a question, get a stupid answer.

I had to take remedial writing at Yale.

I have an asthma attack once every 15 years.

An hour spent with a q-tip in my ear is a fantAsStic hour.

I call it aural sex.

It takes a huge wollop upside the head for me to see clearly.

I've forgotten what the word "safe" means.

Sometimes Morpheus does not visit me.

On the Ninth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Ninth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I can't tap into the zeitgeist for the life of me.

I've been known to employ candles to the extent men have thought I was invoking a satanic ritual.

An ex of mine fictionally gave me cancer.

My brother killed me in a book.

I think the holidays suck.

I was so poor one Christmas I was relieved when a roof leak ruined my clothes. The landlord gave me money for a new wardrobe and I could finally buy Christmas presents.

I was once so poor I ate carrots for a week.

I once got mono...a week later.

I can still wear my overalls from 35 years ago.

On the Eighth Day of Christ*&^%$

On the Eighth Day of Christ*&^%$, TiZ reveals to you...

I wish my friends would live forever instead of dying the way they do.

I'm a wee bit afraid I'm going to outlive all my friends.

I keep making younger and younger friends.

I forget that I'm older than so many of my friends.

I recently called a friend's mom and dad, "Mr and Mrs" despite the fact they're only ten years older than me.

Faje non-fat yogurt + sour cherry preserves = heaven in my mouth.

I feel the need to trade up in many aspects of my life.

I'm afraid that going home for Christmas for five days will kill me, but then again, at least I won't outlive my friends.