PrePONDERance

Yup. I’m done with the pondering methinks.

I love this painting. I do. In fact, you have seen a lot of visuals on la blogue as of late. I’m not quite sure what that’s about other than I’m a child and like pretty pictures. Or I could just be going through a visual phase, which is a bit of a joke since my eyesight is shite and getting worse by the minute.

Who knows?

What I do know is that I LOVE this Chagall…Der Spaziergang. I’ve been told it’s a self-portrait of him and his Bella. I saw it first, I believe, in St. Petersburg in March of 2002. I might be making that up...I saw soooo much in St. Petersburg and I was soooo drunk most of the time in St. Petersburg. And if not drunk, soooo hung-over in St. Petersburg.

But right now I have Der Spaziergang (which means "The Stroll" btw) in postcard format on my desktop and as background on my laptop and iPhone.

I have spent my life flying, especially in dreams. I used to have beautiful out-of-body escapades and flying dreams as a child and they have returned in the last few months. It’s a good sign, methinks.

I LOVE this Chagall.

Since cogency, if I watched any kind of sequence on stage or screen where a person flew of their own volition, I was reduced to a quivering, heaving ball of boogers. Imagine Superman. Envision E.T. Merely think of me in tech for Peter Pan. Poor Wendy, Michael and John had no idea what happened to their gracious Mummy. It borders dangerous. And I have no idea why.

I LOVE this Chagall.

And let me admit I’m not the most grounded of creatures. I think you all may have picked up on that. At times I just float away. I like—LOVE—this but have always felt (and been assured by others) that I needed a stabilizing force to keep me sure-of-foot. What you may not know is that for years I have looked for a man to fulfill the role of that grinning earth-bound creature…to hold my hand and keep violet me from sailing off into the blue. I’ve even used this painting as part of the “Get to Know Me” portion of the partnership program.

I LOVE this Chagall…but this has never worked.

Despite the fact I have what some might consider a strong personality (tee hee), whenever I find someone to hold my hand like this, they not only grasp but squeeze it, and squeeze everything that is precious yet strong about me into the green earth. And I let them. I freely hand over the white flag, acquiescing, “I surrender. You know better. I will live your life.”

Now, there’s something to being a chameleon, something to getting along and it’s a glorious ability to fit in wherever I go, but I have become a secondary character in The Story of TiZ.

This I do not love.

And it took me until now to figure all this out. I do not blame my partners. Not one bit (at least not for this). They probably missed me as much as I did.

So, I will become both Chagall and Bella…rooted in terra firma and holding my own hand as I crown the clouds. I’m not sure how I’ll accomplish this, but I will.

I have to...because until I do, I refuse to go loping down Lover’s Lane. Why make the same mistake again and again? I think I’ve made perfection of that error. It's the era for this cranky canine to learn some new tricks.

Time to be the leading lady of my own life. Top billing. Over the title. BIG LETTERS.

I LOVE this Chagall.

Ponder that. It's a good sign, methinks.