The Trifucta

First in a three-part series of…

The Three Most Awful Things I’ve Done in the Pursuit of Thespianism
(or How Rude Can One Girl Be in Rehearsal or Onstage?)

The reason I feel I can out these crimes against acting—let’s call them thespianage—is that I’m a pretty cool colleague. Most theaters have me back. Most directors hire me again. Alrighty…one theater and one director won’t, but since I consider him Satan and his theater is in “Bend Over Squeal Like a Pig, Virginia 66666” I’m just fine with that.

Alrighty, so I’ve lied to get a job. Who hasn’t? When the Mouse asks how tall you are and you know you’re more than an inch over the height limit, you slump and lie. Doesn’t take a genius.

“Do you dance?”

“Sure.”

Those are little ones and givens, however… [music morphs to space-age time warp]

Many many moons ago I was doing a piece of theater I should never have been doing. In fact, I was doing TWO pieces. Despite the fact I knew I shouldn’t be within a ten foot pole of these extravaganzas, I did them—needed the insurance weeks, baby. In fact, I have been known to stand in the Mid-Town Telephone and Toilet (AEA Lounge for you neophytes) with a cardboard sign, scribbled terrifyingly in crayon, “WILL WORK FOR INSURANCE.”

Anywho, there I was at this theater, having a shomance of all things and I was jilted.

“Really, Tiz? You?”

“Yup. Uh huh. Me.”

Too bad he did it right before opening night. Too bad he hadn’t learned his lines. And too bad the line he forgot cued a whole big shebang ‘o mine, ‘cause too bad I was way too tired to get creative and sassy and fix it (after all I was working for insurance).

So I fed him his line.
Downstage side.
Verbatim.
Stage-whisper.
Loud enough for both our mikes to pick up.

Ooops.

Honest to God, I was trying to be helpful but the look on his face as he repeated the line…to this day I can be at a funeral, think of that face and still hack up a lung guffawing.

Maybe this is why my career’s in the crapper.

Stay tuned for part two in our three part series. Like all things, it gets worse…I promise.