Tiz and Ass Post Mensturbation Invitational

In the spirit of the Washington Post Mensa Invitational which asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition…

LET’S PLAY WITH THE WORD ABOUT PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!!!! Forget the one letter rule…GO WILD!

ME DO! ME DO!!

Procrasturbation – needs no explanation. First heard (by me) uttered by Hunter Bell in [title of show]. At that moment, he became my personal hero.

Frusturbation – again…you knows what I mean. Penned by my oldest/dearest Boots. She has always been my personal hero.

Exaspurbation – first cousin of frusturbation.

Crassturbation – talking dirty to yourself while…

Fasturbation – “I’ve only got 5 minutes. Let’s get to work.”

Collapseturbation – what happens when one becomes friendly with a shower massage at the Yale Club after working out for an hour and sitting in a sauna for 45 minutes and never replenishing fluids. What? Who would be so stupid?

Plasterbation – drunk and up against a wall.

Trashturbation – plasterbation without the wall.

Crashturbation – what happens when you pleasure yourself on the 101 south during rush hour. (I’m not saying this happened to me, people.)

Passturbation – “Honey, I have a headache.”

Disasturbation – talk to my friend, Kevin. Kevin, talk to the good people.

Relaxurbation – a glass of wine, a good book, some mood music and…

Elasturbation – yoga +

Onassturbation – doing it on a luxury yacht on the Mediterranean. Oh…we can dream.

Embarrassturbation – what your parents and Sister Mary Ignatius would like you to be.

Lasturbation – an all night session.

Morassturbation – when ya just get stuck.

Sassturbation – when you feel a sassy little outfit will make you love yourself just a little more. We clean up for everyone else…why not ourselves?

Prolapseturbation – until you are inside out.

Molesturbation – not realizing that "no means no."

Molassturbation – props are fun, right?

Massturbation - what Linda Blair does with the cross in The Exorcist.

Messturbation – the result of what Linda Blair does with the cross in The Exorcist.

YOU DO! YOU DO!!! TELL YOUR FRIENDS! EVERYBODY IN THE POOL!

No expectation. Just pectation for mensturbation.