Andrea Bocelli* Owes Me $2.25

He does. I couldn't walk across the park last week at 1 in the afternoon because "The World's Most Beloved Tenor" was scheduled to do a concert on the Great Lawn in 7 hours.

I didn't know he was The World's Most Beloved Tenor. I thought he was, "Who needs Three Tenors when you can have one Blind One." I used to say that...'til it pissed people off.

You still with me?

I didn't know he was going to be in town until I got a text from some guy I went on 1 date with 4 months ago. He wanted to know the name of the restaurant where we had our 1 date...4 months ago.

You still with me?

But it was 1 in the afternoon, it was raining, I was late for a callback, the NYC cops didn't even know where I could cross, and I was cross.

So from under the safety of the brim of my cap and brimming hatred for all things Bocelli, I sweetly asked a rather tall couple, "Excuse me. Do you know if I can walk across at 86th Street?"

She replies in a sweet English accent, "I don't know."

He replies in the most delicious of familiar burrs. "Oh, I don't think so. There's a concert here tonight."

And...

It's Liam Neeson.

Oh, you're still with me.

Liam Neeson. The last time I saw him in the flesh I had run smack into his chest at 890 Broadway. I said, "I'm sorry," looked up, saw who it was and murmured, "No, I'm not."

Yum.

I wonder if he'll be my FaceBook friend?

No, TiZ, no. No FaceBook.

But I can still dream of him waking up, cranking up his computer and wondering, "Oh, I wonder what my dear friend TiZ is doing out and about this great Island of Manhattan? Oh, look at her. Isn't she adorable? Oh, look, she's drinking a TaB. Oh, isn't she a clever girl, but why so much self-hatred?"

But that won't happen because I'm on FaceBook Hiatus.

But until then...

Dear Mr. Neeson, I am writing this to you,

And I hope that you will read it so you'll know

My heart beats like a hammer and I stutter and I stammer

Every time I see you at the picture show (Except for SUSPECT 'cause you looked icky, and LOVE ACTUALLY cause I actually hated that movie.)

I guess I'm just another fan of yours

And I thought I'd write and tell you so-o-o-oH.

You made me love you (Made?)
I didn't wanna do it, (Well...) I didn't wanna do it. (Of course, I did. Who doesn't?)
You made me love you (Made?)
and all the while you knew it, I guess you always knew it. (Okay...probably not.)

You made me happy, sometimes you made me glad.
But there were times, dear, you made me feel so sad. (Like when you did SHINING THROUGH with Melanie Griffith as a woman of Irish, Jewish-German parentage going undercover in Nazi Germany. Really? Why?)

You made me cry for (Why?)
I didn't wanna tell you. I didn't wanna tell you.
I want a love that's true ('Cause that's what FaceBook is all about-truth.)
Yes, I do, 'deed I do
You know I do

Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie what I cry for (Demanding, aren't I?)
You know you've got the brand of kisses
That I'd die for
You know you made me love you

(This is getting uncomfortable.)


Aw, gee, Mr. Neeson, I don't wanna bother you! Guess you got a lotta girls that tell you the same thing. And if you don't wanna read this, well, you don't have to. But I just had to tell you about the time I saw you in SCHINDLER'S LIST. That was the tenth time I ever saw you, and I knew right then you were the nicest fella in the movies! I guess it was 'cause you acted so, well so natural like - not like a real actor at all, but just like any fella you'd meet at school or at a party...or a Nazi munitions factory. Then one time I saw you in a picture with Jessica Lange, and I had to cry a little 'cause you loved her and your kilt so much and you couldn't have them - not 'till the end of the picture, anyway. And then one time I saw you in person. You were going to rehearsal at 890, and I was standing there when you got out of your cab, and you almost knocked me down! Oh - but it wasn't your fault! Naw, I was in the way. But you looked at me, and you smiled. Yeah! You smiled right at me as if you meant it, and I cried all the way home just 'cause you smiled at me for being in your way! Aw, I'll never forget it, Mr. Neeson. Honest injun. You're my favorite actor!


I don't care what happens, let the whole world stop
As far as I'm concerned, you'll always be the top
'Cause you know you made me love you

And...

scene.

*This blog post wasn't about Andrea Bocelli at all, was it? But I had to take the bus. And that cost $2.25.