Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Andrea Bocelli* Owes Me $2.25

He does. I couldn't walk across the park last week at 1 in the afternoon because "The World's Most Beloved Tenor" was scheduled to do a concert on the Great Lawn in 7 hours.

I didn't know he was The World's Most Beloved Tenor. I thought he was, "Who needs Three Tenors when you can have one Blind One." I used to say that...'til it pissed people off.

You still with me?

I didn't know he was going to be in town until I got a text from some guy I went on 1 date with 4 months ago. He wanted to know the name of the restaurant where we had our 1 date...4 months ago.

You still with me?

But it was 1 in the afternoon, it was raining, I was late for a callback, the NYC cops didn't even know where I could cross, and I was cross.

So from under the safety of the brim of my cap and brimming hatred for all things Bocelli, I sweetly asked a rather tall couple, "Excuse me. Do you know if I can walk across at 86th Street?"

She replies in a sweet English accent, "I don't know."

He replies in the most delicious of familiar burrs. "Oh, I don't think so. There's a concert here tonight."


It's Liam Neeson.

Oh, you're still with me.

Liam Neeson. The last time I saw him in the flesh I had run smack into his chest at 890 Broadway. I said, "I'm sorry," looked up, saw who it was and murmured, "No, I'm not."


I wonder if he'll be my FaceBook friend?

No, TiZ, no. No FaceBook.

But I can still dream of him waking up, cranking up his computer and wondering, "Oh, I wonder what my dear friend TiZ is doing out and about this great Island of Manhattan? Oh, look at her. Isn't she adorable? Oh, look, she's drinking a TaB. Oh, isn't she a clever girl, but why so much self-hatred?"

But that won't happen because I'm on FaceBook Hiatus.

But until then...

Dear Mr. Neeson, I am writing this to you,
And I hope that you will read it so you'll know
My heart beats like a hammer and I stutter and I stammer
Every time I see you at the picture show (Except for SUSPECT 'cause you looked icky, and LOVE ACTUALLY cause I actually hated that movie.)
I guess I'm just another fan of yours
And I thought I'd write and tell you so-o-o-oH.

You made me love you (Made?)
I didn't wanna do it, (Well...) I didn't wanna do it. (Of course, I did. Who doesn't?)
You made me love you (Made?)
and all the while you knew it, I guess you always knew it. (Okay...probably not.)

You made me happy, sometimes you made me glad.
But there were times, dear, you made me feel so sad. (Like when you did SHINING THROUGH with Melanie Griffith as a woman of Irish, Jewish-German parentage going undercover in Nazi Germany. Really? Why?)

You made me cry for (Why?)
I didn't wanna tell you. I didn't wanna tell you.
I want a love that's true ('Cause that's what FaceBook is all about-truth.)
Yes, I do, 'deed I do
You know I do

Gimmie, gimmie, gimmie, gimmie what I cry for (Demanding, aren't I?)
You know you've got the brand of kisses
That I'd die for
You know you made me love you

(This is getting uncomfortable.)

Aw, gee, Mr. Neeson, I don't wanna bother you! Guess you got a lotta girls that tell you the same thing. And if you don't wanna read this, well, you don't have to. But I just had to tell you about the time I saw you in SCHINDLER'S LIST. That was the tenth time I ever saw you, and I knew right then you were the nicest fella in the movies! I guess it was 'cause you acted so, well so natural like - not like a real actor at all, but just like any fella you'd meet at school or at a party...or a Nazi munitions factory. Then one time I saw you in a picture with Jessica Lange, and I had to cry a little 'cause you loved her and your kilt so much and you couldn't have them - not 'till the end of the picture, anyway. And then one time I saw you in person. You were going to rehearsal at 890, and I was standing there when you got out of your cab, and you almost knocked me down! Oh - but it wasn't your fault! Naw, I was in the way. But you looked at me, and you smiled. Yeah! You smiled right at me as if you meant it, and I cried all the way home just 'cause you smiled at me for being in your way! Aw, I'll never forget it, Mr. Neeson. Honest injun. You're my favorite actor!

I don't care what happens, let the whole world stop
As far as I'm concerned, you'll always be the top
'Cause you know you made me love you



*This blog post wasn't about Andrea Bocelli at all, was it? But I had to take the bus. And that cost $2.25.


  1. Aah, my dear, you remembered me! You remembered!

    That day outside of 890, I waited and waited in my car, hoping you'd pass by. And then, after I had planned to say something all clever and accent-y, like, "Tiz a fine day" I saw you, got all tongue-tied, and all I could do is try to bump into you.

    I can't believe you rememebr! It was all worth it.

    And those movies - well. Most of them I'v ebeen doing in the hopes that at least one would get you to the theater. Every time I put on or took off my glasses or kilt or whatever, I was hoping you knew it was a secret signal I had made that I knew you'd recognize and then, hopefully, we could get together.

    I even bought cases of Fresca until I found out you like TaB and so I threw away the Fresca and I have lots of TaB and I think you'd like some.

    Wouldn't you like some Tab? If so, I have some.

    And that day in the park. Well, I arranged the concert in the hopes that you'd have to find a way across the park and I thought, I can offer her a ride. Maybe even ina horse drawn carriage! And we could go to the Plaza and run around like Eloise and maybe have a TaB even! But when I saw you, I got all tongue-tied and oops. And then I had to sit throughthat stupid concert. But at least I had some TaB.

    Oh, TiZ, please give me another chance!

  2. Beautiful MizTiz,
    I just LOVE your writing, and totally agree with your opinions re: said blind tenor. (Mr. Neeson is acceptable, but not really my type...largely because he's male...)

    So glad to read your blog, since I don't have you on fb. :)

  3. soon, my friend. soon. but hopefully still severely curtailed. i like writing here better. it's more peaceful.

    and THANK YOU!!!

    p.s. dear liam...i would LOVE LOVE LOVE some TaB.


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