SEALED WITH A CLICK - entry 10

Subject: LONELY DOG FAKING IT?

To: CHRISTINAN@AOL.COM

From: Enhibrem@stepton.edu

Date: 11:06 AM 2/11/99

DEAR ME.E.,

B’DOUGLAS WANTS TO KNOW: COULD THE DOG BE FAKING IT TO BRING YOUR PARENTS BACK? DO THEATRICS RUN DEEPLY THROUGHOUT THE FAMILY (AT LEAST IN THE ACTUAL AND SELF-DESCRIBED CANINE PORTIONS)?

MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE DAUGHTER JILLY WANTS TO KNOW: WHAT WAS ITS NAME? (“MISSY T”?) HOW OLD? WHAT KIND? DID IT HAVE ANY PUPPIES? WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES? HOW DID IT GET SICK?? AH, LITTLE GIRLS—SO INQUISITIVE.

BRAN WANTS TO KNOW (YOU REMEMBER BRAN, MY NINE YEAR OLD—THE ONE YOU HAD SUCKING DOWN CHAMPAGNE THROUGH A STRAW): WHO’S CHRIS? WHAT’S FOR DINNER? AH, LITTLE BOYS—SO OBLIVIOUS (ESPECIALLY AFTER SUCKING DOWN CHAMPAGNE THROUGH A STRAW).

FALLOUT FROM GRANDMA AND GRANDPA’S 75^TH ANNIVERSARY PARTY CONTINUES. MY FATHER WAS SO OFFENDED BY MY SOON-TO-BE STEP-SON-IN-LAW DEVON’S ATTIRE (SO DISRESPECTFUL—ALTHOUGH YOU SEEMED TO LIKE PLAYING WITH THE NOSE RINGS) THAT HE REFUSES TO HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH THE GUY IN THE FUTURE. THIS, OF COURSE, PRESENTS PROBLEMS SINCE I’M COMING UP TO MY 280^TH BIRTHDAY (DOG YEARS, OF COURSE), AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE BOTH MY FATHER AND BEAUTIFUL BIG STEP-DAUGHTER MONICA PRESENT. I, HOWEVER, DON’T THINK MONICA WILL COME IF DEVON ISN’T INVITED. GOTTA LOVE THIS FAMILY STUFF.

MY GRANDMOTHER WAXED ELOQUENT LAST NIGHT ABOUT “WHAT A NICE GIRL” YOU ARE. IF SHE ONLY KNEW ABOUT THE BEDPOSTS.

OXOX (JUST TO BE DIFFERENT)

B’DOUGLAS (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH “BIDET GLOSS”)

P.S. IT’S EASIER FOR ME TO TYPE IN CAPS.