The Acceptance Speech (as play)*

Judi Davis

And the winner is...TiZ.

(TiZ stands up)

TiZ

Holy shit. Are you kidding me?

(Spotlight hits TiZ in her beautiful red satin cocktail dress that she got on a wicked sale thinking her boyfriend was going to invite her to the Tonys. He didn't. She's also wearing her grown-up Dorothy shoes from Opera North in England. She looks pretty good despite the fact she's full of a Ted Drewe's concrete and might die. TiZ hits her date and hugs Ed Juvier. Runs onto the stage past podium around to the beautiful man holding the statue (not statuette...this thing is huge), grabs it, makes a beeline for centerstage, does a deep-split bow bending over with the statue straight out in front of her and begs the audience for applause. They indulge her. She skips to podium.)

TiZ

Wow. Thank you. Umm...I've been told I should never speak in public. 'Cause I suck at it. Really. Suck. At. It. So I'm gonna call my mom.

(TiZ pulls cellphone out of pocket of beautiful red satin cocktail dress that never saw the Tonys. She speed dials her mum and turns on the speaker phone.)

Random Audience Members

No. No she's not. What? Krazy kats and ishkebibble. Peas and carrots.

TiZ

Nana's cute and old and she couldn't come.

(Phone starts to ring. Random audience members laugh. TiZ starts to say something and phone rings again. She looks startled. This happens two more times and then in mid-ring....)

Brother Bob

Hello?

TiZ

Hey. Put Nana on.

(long pause)

Nana

Hello?

TiZ

Nana. I won.

(Beat)

Nana

ConGRAtulations.

(Audience screams. TiZ looks relieved.)

TiZ

Nana...I have to hang up the phone now. I'll call you later. Love you.

(TiZ hangs up the phone, gasps and dives in.)

TiZ

5 1/2 years ago I was called to be a last minute replacement for Anne Hathaway...yeah...that's right. 'Cause I'm the one you call when you can't get Anne Hathway...to play someone named Janet Van de Graaf(?) in this funny little bachelor party musical(?) that some crazy Canadians wrote(?). Well...Drowsy Chaperone took off and I...stumbled along. For a number of years. Until I found Stages St. Louis. This company...cast, crew, administrative, creatives...are filled with such passion and joy and so much skill. Amazing. A few special thank-yous. To Michael Hamilton-for his specificity and loopiness. (Audience laughs.) And his generosity with my loosey-gooseyness 'cause I can't do anything the same way twice. To David Schmittou, the Man in Chair-if he hadn't loved Beatrice Stockwell, none of you would have, 'cause she really is quite terrifying. Awful, really. To my partner in crime, Ed Juvier (Audience cheers.) I would honestly be WAITING for him onstage every night. So excited to play with him. And my acting teacher, Sande Shurin-she's awesome. And my friend Richard Roland, who coached me on the material. I soooo wouldn't have booked without him. Oh, oh, OH...to the Rep for Emma and to the MUNY for Annie. St. Louis kept me employed for fifteen weeks last year.

(Audience goes a little crazy. TiZ looks surprised.)

TiZ

Oh, finally, Drowsy, the one 5 1/2years ago, was the last performance NanaPop ever got to see together. They loved it. So this is for them. You heard Nana...she loves this. I'm sure Pop does too. Thank you.

(TiZ exits stage. Her red satin dress finally getting the recognition it deserves.)

*As best as she can remember it because she didn't plan it or write anything down 'cause that's the kinda girl she is. Travels six hours to an awards ceremony really just so she can attend a rockin' party. If you were there and this isn't what she said, please let her know.