Thursday, March 18, 2010

On the 35th Day of Christ*&^%*$

On the 35th Day of Christ*&^%, TiZ reveals to you...

35 Things I Would Do If I Were Queen of New York

1. Convince men their balls aren’t as big as they think they are, so they sit with their legs approximating each other like proper gentleman. (Because if I yell at them again like I did today, I might not survive.)

2. Enforce the “one ass—one seat” law.

Make it illegal to…

3. Dawdle in front of subway turnstiles.

4. Dawdle on the other side of subway turnstiles.

5. Go through 23 bjillion Metrocards at subway turnstiles.

6. Check iPhone, Blackberry, mobile or other device while walking up subway steps.

7. Stand on platform in such a manner as to block passengers’ egress from said subway.

8. Stand in subway door blocking entrance or exit of other passengers for 5 stops.

9. Stand in subway door blocking entrance or exit of other passengers for 4 stops.

10. Stand in subway door blocking entrance or exit of other passengers for…you know where I’m going with this, right? You’re not gonna make me do this, right?

11. Wipe your nose with the palm of your hand and then proceed to grip subway handrails with dung digits.

12. Ride subway with the hint of a cold.

13. Lean against your neighbor while standing or sitting if there is room elsewhere. Me no likey subway snugglers.

14. Stroll more than two abreast on any NY sidewalk.

15. Stroll.

16. Ash me. EVER. I’m a fucking ash magnet.

17. Display FUPA or muffin-top…male or female.

18. Wear jeggings.

19. Wear perfume. (I don’t trust people if I can’t catch their original scent. What are they trying to cover up? And I’m allergic to perfume.)

20. Sport a mullet. (Self-explanatory. And I'm allergic to mullets.)

21. Shave in the sauna.

22. Hold the RNC here again.

23. Slough in the sauna.

24. Lube up in the sauna.

25. Use your cellphone in the locker room. (I have more pix of naked asses on my mobile. Payback is a bitch. And so am I.)

Okay…that’s enough of the illegalities.

26. Install girth-o-meters that include a sway factor. I’ve been made tardy by the hearties who waddle in my way.

27. Supply more affordable housing for artists. We’re losing our footing here, friends.

28. Enforce please and thank you and excuse me in the appropriate moments.

29. Always have a barstool available.

30. Behead cab drivers who rip you off. We're all trying to make a living but stealing is not an option.

31. Make monthly unlimited ride Metrocards $80 again.

32. Install free Wi-Fi all over city. A city that plays together stays together.

33. Let Starbucks do their refills using the SAME cups. They were doing something good, kids.

34. Entrance fee for those just visiting. Those just visiting—you’re very disruptive.

35. A mandatory weekly Mike Errico gig in a fab spot.


  1. It's not the balls themselves, they're spreading out to make room for the prostate. But I'm with you on the Errico idea....

  2. Can we visitors who are actually visiting people we know (and who know better than to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and gawk) get a reduced rate on the entrance fee, please? I promise to also say "thank you" and "excuse me."


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