Saturday, June 13, 2009

If They Are Lost--I Am Found

Give me your tired, your poor
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
The wretched refuse of your teeming shores.
Send these the homeless tempest tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden shore.

Yup...our Lady of the Harbor...the Statue of Liberty...and seemingly me. Do you have cystic acne and did you run over your father with the car? I’m your girl. (Boy, did my dad hate that one.) Are you gay and don’t want to tell your parents yet, so you’re going to give it one more college try? Try me! (I knew he was gay. He knew he was gay. He knew I knew he was gay. I knew he knew I knew he was gay. We were sweet together.) Are you the "real deal?" (Read into that one, chickadees.) Deal me in. Am I your New York girlfriend and have you forgotten to tell me about your REAL girlfriend? Cool.

And these were just my first four, long-term relationships. Number five was troubled but lovely...honestly lovely...fucked up but lovely, so we’re leaving him outta this because I wouldn’t hurt him for the world. Wait, I already did.

Did you get stoned in Thailand, fall out of your tree house and crush your face in on some bamboo? I think the numb spot on your cheekbone is the sexiest thing EVER and you are boyfriend number six.

Are you almost an orphan? Is your career stalled? Are you pathologically jealous but very funny? Do you have dental work that looks like it was performed in a gulag? Do you climax so loudly that my neighbor runs into my apartment thinking someone’s being bludgeoned to death? Do you LOVE to pick fights? Do you call your girlfriend the C word? Then you are my seventh, long-term relationship.

Are you a recent widower with three children? Jobless? I can fix it. I can fix it!

Are you an actor? Now that’s someplace I refuse to go. A girl has her limits, you know.

excerpted from THINKING OUTSIDE MY BOX by the Pixie-faced Pinhead herself, copywrite 2009


  1. I don't know why, but when I was reading the "want ad" for #7, I read one line as " neighbor runs into my apartment thinking someone's being bludgeoned to death AGAIN?"

    I'm not sure whether I found it more or less disturbing when I realized it didn't say that. Which may say more about me than about you. :-)


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