Friday, January 22, 2010

Anatomy of a Cold--It's Time I am on my 11th day of blugh. It's a lot less blugh but blugh none-the-less. I know I'm harping on this but it's for a reason--I never get sick like this--i never STAY sick like this and I feel like a lame-ass. LAME. AsS. I've always thought that people who get sick were weaker, of less fortitude, dumb, just...well...not as good as me. Lame-ass.

What a lame-ass way to think.

Part of my freak-out has to do with time. Being sick is a waste of time. HUMONGOUS. I've now been under for 11 days of 22 of the new decade (if that's how you're looking at 2010...there is some debate)--so I've been sick for freakin' 50% of this decade. That just ain't right. Nothing gets done.

But what I find fascinating is I DID get things done. I didn't realize it until I wrote Shmoopy about how little I accomplished in the last week...

"finally FINALLY seem to have burst through the cold bubble a bit. doubt i'm gonna make it to mike's tonight as i really need to kick this thing in the ass. i've accomplished nothing--an audition, an acting class, shot a little infomercial, eddie izzard, 15 hours of devoted and disgruntled forum, worked out 4X, found a place to shoot my little scene, did committee work at Equity, priced sound equipment, found money in my retirement fund i didn't know existed, blah blah...oh SHIT, i got a LOT done. i don't feel bad anymore. i mean on top of the cold i was feeling bad about being a lame-ass...but i guess i'm not so lame-ass."

#1--I guess I like lists as they help quantify...

#2--Why do I have to quantify? Why do I always have to accomplish things? Why is use of time so important? As Pooh says (and he is very wise), "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."

#3--I have a great friend in Schmoopy. "GLAD to hear you are better and FYI and for the record: being sick does not make one a lame-ass, it makes one a little sickie in need of rest. ;) "

So, I'm a little sickie--now resting and reading One Moment Meditation...Stillness for People on the Go by dear old friend, Martin Boroson--my original Pooh. It's wise, it's wonderful, it's simple, it's complex, it's completely practical and yet it and of itself is a meditation and tone poem on the nature of time.

What? Genius.

If I hadn't been sick, I might not have dived (diven? dove? Oh, you fecking conjugations in my addled brain) boogerhead-first into Marty's genius. I might not have been open to the synchronicity of some specific events. I might not have found compassion for people with less blessed constitutions. I might...I might...

Who knows? I'm sick but I'm getting better and I'm not really sure what I've written but I hope it makes some sense to someone somewhere and I'm glad I finally took the fluff out of my ears long enough to hear Labramom's russian cold remedy--strong black tea with jam, followed by a tumbler of vodka, followed by oodles of duvets. "The common theme with these Russian health treatments seems to be the caveat that if they don't kill you they will cure you."

Ain't dead yet.


1 comment:

  1. You are too precious for words.
    You remember me complaining when I got sick as I hadn't been sick in years and it kicked my arss? It was awful and I felt quite less than, inadequate, and some how like I was looking for attention. It was twisted. The simple thing was that I was sick. Not good at being taken care of, not good at being still, feeling my feelings...blah blah blah. Because it dragged on, I got better at just being sick.
    Sounds like you're beginning to turn the corner. Just wait. It feels so good to just feel OK. The things we take for granted as we're running around "doing" all the time. That's me any way.
    Feel better my friend. Glad that you did get a lot done too.



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