Open Letter to the University of Toledo Students

Who Attended Last Evening’s Performance of The Drowsy Chaperone—

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?????

Okay…that might be a bit harsh. But just a bit.

Really…what were you thinking? I love what I do, I deep-down honest-to-Goddess DO, but you did not make it easy last night. And since I’m doing the South Beach Diet, I can’t drink…at all. But if I wasn’t doing the South Beach Diet, you would have driven me to drink.

I knew it was gonna be a rough show when I heard one of you answer back to the evening’s host, “Dude, are you gay?”

Now, the theater is an interactive sport, and this show especially so, but there are limits.

To the young lady in the second row, audience right aisle, who kept waving to me...I can’t wave back during someone else’s scene. I shouldn’t do it in my own scene. I do. But I shouldn’t. So—DON’T DO THAT.

To the young lady in the second row, audience right aisle, who insisted on muttering “No, no, no” during the very tender penultimate moment—DON’T DO THAT. WE CAN HEAR YOU.

To the stupid-ass laugher in the second row, audience right, 5 seats in, who loved laughing at inappropriate moments to entertain his classmates—DON’T DO THAT. IT’S RUDE. IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU FOR TWO HOURS. JUST TWO HOURS. LIVE WITH IT. And yes, I was flipping you the bird. Tweet tweet, dickface.

To the gum popper in the third row, audience left, 5 seats in—DON’T DO THAT. EVER. IT’S RUDE. WHAT A DISGUSTING HABIT. If I can hear you poppin’ your flippin’ gum from my dressing room backstage left, I would also like to hear you choke on it and die.

Okay, now THAT was a bit harsh. But I have chewing gum issues. Sorry. It’s just sometimes there is silence in the theater and it’s usually for your own good. Learn to embrace it. It’s uncomfortable but oh so glorious.

And let me commend you. I saw no couples making out, saw no texting or pizza and heard no candy wrappers or phones, so…you are not the worst audience ever. But close. Damn close. Please do better next time. If you do, so will I.