What I've Learned

Recapping a decade.

I did not mention two deaths.  One overwhelmingly heart-breaking that left me on the couch for 5 days.  One that was sad. Truly sad but not tragic because it was the course of nature.  And I don't know why they slipped my mind.  The first probably because I live with it every day...it wasn't in my memory because it's in my present.  The second?  I don't know.  I have to do better.  

Don't know me because you will probably die.  Kinda kidding...maybe.

From these deaths have been born some of the more important, sweeter friendships of my life.

I forgot to mention a vile sexual harassment.  Sexual harassment of the "I'm going to fuck up your career" variety.  I'm kinda glad I missed that.  But it was because of it that I took the UK job...Favorite. Job. Ever.  So...THANKS, YOU VILE SEXUAL HARASSER!

I desperately need to take better care of my body.  I forget that it is breakable and don't always treat it right.

I quite obviously love and respect my job.

My friendships are important to and treasured by me.

It looks like I've given up on romance.  Perhaps that will change.

And why I've been remiss in recapping...BAXTER.  The little dog has a little problem...that momentarily today was a potential HUGE problem...had me running through the streets like Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs Kramer.  Potential huge problem...most probably a problem from more than 6 months ago that I completely missed.  A problem that is probably on the mend.  Second opinion on Tuesday.   But as we came back and I was so rattled I took a wee pill and then a wee nap (when the going gets tough, a Tisdale gets sleeping), I realized....

I love.  I love hard.

Stupid fucking little dog.  Who knew?

2012

I went ON in my first Broadway show in 14 years and I ROCKED it...in my weird, white girl way.

I was generous in a way I will regret for a long time.

I fell in like and then eased out of it.

BAXTER THE WONDERDOG rescued me.

I taped my first web series.

I did the work I'm most proud of in my career.  Very few people saw it.

I did the work I'm most proud of in my personal life.  Don't know how many people recognize it.  Do I care?

Published an article about NaNa for Mother's Day that I was very proud of.

Worked with the most nightmarish colleague of my career.

Realized that a 5th floor walkup is not the nicest thing for a forty-sumpin woman with a wee doggie.

Witnessed three extraordinary theatrical performances.  

I'm not remembering that anyone died.  That's kinda good (unless someone DID die in which case I'm a shit heel).

LA LA LA!

2011

NaNa died.  I became a middle-aged orphan.

I did my first Broadway show in *&^%%$ years.

Tom Hulce sent me roses when I signed on.  We like him.

I learned a show in 5 hours and performed it in front of people the next day.

I visited a friend I had never met in his Vermont home.  Best. Time. Ever.  As we scootered through the woods by the light of a full moon, he bellowed,  "It is a CRIME we are not in love."

Did a second reading of my play.  Learned SOOOO much thanks to my many and many-gifted friends.

Received a grant for the play.

Seventh floor dressing room.

So overworked I passed out.  My nose hitting the dresser is what broke my fall.  And my nose.

Was thrown a surprise gluten-free birthday party by housemates.  One of my favorite birthdays ever.

Drank way more than I should have.

Sang at NaNa's funeral mass.

Was magically taken care of by the universe.

Did NOT fall in love or anywhere near it.

2010

Terry's ashes were scattered in Italy.  At the same time in Florida, I was surrounded by hundreds of butterflies.

I tap-danced professionally.

I learned to do impersonations.

I protected a friendship with all my might.

I started to write the play version of a book I was writing.  Did my first reading of it...it was terrifying.  Also did the first big re-write...GAH!

Continued to practice the Ukulele.

Discovered the joy and the ridiculousness of iMovie.  And subsequent Youtube posts.

Taught voice for the first time in years.  

I did NOT fall in love...or even like.

Learned to cook REALLY well.

2009

Created and utilized the best break up line ever.  Because he really wanted to break up but didn't have the balls to do it.

Again visited dear friends in London...and Leeds.

Laughed at an old lady's sick bed vehemence...because it really was terrifying and misplaced and shite she would have said even if she hadn't been sick.

Met my favoritest author in the world, Jeanette Winterson.

Made a stranger cry at a dinner party.  But it was a good cry.

Met a soul mate.

Discovered Eddie Izzard. Oh, how did I miss this majesty for so long?

Heard Nana have a stroke on the phone.  Terrifying.

Got down to fighting weight.  (I am supposed to be a skinny girl.)

Did 13 auditions and callbacks (in addition to 5 concerts) in one week.  And no job.  I was quoted as saying, "Hold me.  I feel cold."  It was a week of infamy.

2008

Thommie Walsh died.

I prepared for an audition like never before.  Down to the wire. Last day.  Didn't book. So I dated the director instead. For a while.

Wrote the most romantic "I miss you" letter of my life.

Visited a few of my dear friends in London.

I learned to tap dance. I LOVE TO TAP DANCE.

Long career dryspell. Oy.

Went to Beijing to perform.  Trippy trippy trippy.

Learned that utter despair and utter joy look very similar on me.

OBAMA!

2007

Really very little clue about this year...

Huge crush and soul connection with someone terribly unavailable.

Met a fabulous director who changed the way I respected myself as an artist.

Was cast in two shows that were both cancelled.

Worked with another director who made me cry twice.  The second time he made fun of me.  THAT did not go well.

Enjoyed a baby squirrel as my dressing roommate.

Ended up in the emergency room with ten bug bites that were the size of dessert dishes...all between waist and knee. Imagine.

Laughed so hard (and was so drugged up for the bug bites) in a tech rehearsal that I fully relieved my bladder on set.  Luckily for me, the set was astroturf.  Absurdly, NO ONE NOTICED.

OOOH...discovered MEDITATION.  YEAH!

Oh...oh.  Booked a gig on 30 Rock.  My scene partner was Kristen Wiig (and a dog) and since I didn't watch SNL I had NO CLUE who she was (Kristen Wiig, not the dog).  We got to impro a scene together. And she stayed when they reversed the shot, stating, "I don't abandon colleagues."  I liked her.

...More of a clue than I thought.  Phew.

2006

Paddy Quinn died.

I played shepherd to a priest's sheep in an orgy scene...in a church. (Hell in a handbasket.)

I blew out my left knee...bone on bone...which is not good when you live in a fifth floor walk up.

I did NOT fall in or out of love or anywhere in the vicinity of it.

I spent a lot of time with the NaNa because she missed the Pop.

I worked a LOT at Westport Playhouse...which was fun because it was near family.    

I unofficially adopted the PoPmobile and got to drive around TONS which I loved.

A colleague discovered I cruise to hard rock which delighted her endlessly.

I started writing because my agent found my dating stories both hilarious and horrifying.

I got one of the most inappropriate and hilarious emails ever from an ex.  It is immortalized in an annotated version.

I called a very young colleague "a little shithead" while on mic.  I wasn't reprimanded.  It was only rehearsal.  And he was.

I think this was the year my symphony gig career died...TRAGEDY!

HVD

THE BEST BREAK UP LINE EVER.

Why the best? It’s short. It’s clean. It’s kind. It lacks sentimentality, yet is heartfelt.

But who said it?

Read more at ELEPHANT JOURNAL

2005

Poppy died.  That's my Dad.

I was with him when he died.  Given the choice...be there.  It is an honor.

British Air felt so bad about me flying so soon after the funeral that they upgraded me to first class.  GO BA!

I spent most of the year in the UK, touring.  As mentioned previously...Favorite. Gig. Ever.

I made my West End Debut.

Attended High Tea at the Palm Court at the Ritz.  Could barely perform I was so caffeinated, carbed and sugared up...would have been better off drunk.

I turned down a Broadway show to make my West End Debut.

Within two minutes of meeting Trevor Nunn, I'd been Trevved.  Supposedly record-breaking.

I fell madly in love.

I ran sanely out of love.

I learned that I was/am  infertile.

Trying to end on an up note here...umm...

Got hired to play a 25 year old hooker off-Broadway.  Considering my age, that was AWESOME!

Sleeping Like a Dog

Sshhh.

Baxter here.

My human will not be writing about 2005 today.  Her human friend died yesterday...her human friend who loved dogs even more than she does...and she found out this morning. She is very sad.

And when the going gets tough, she goes to sleep.

So, sshhh.  Don't wake my human.

Or I will bite you.*



*I bite because I love.

2004

I was so edged out at the top of 2004 that I moved to Woodstock for the winter.  Best. Winter. Ever.  (Thanks to my acting teacher having a guest house she gave me for pennies. THANKS, SANDE!) Just snow, and yoga and brilliant books as there was no TV and very little internet.

Did some tremendous work for which I was paid very little.  But being in the room with Charles Strouse and Lee Adams and Rupert Holmes and Mark Brokaw and Eric Stern made up for that. (Note: Must get hoover to hoove up all those names I dropped.)

Lived in a college dorm for the first since 1995.  Never again.  Oh, how quickly one returns to one's college antics.

Did a staged reading of a musical that would change my life...DROWSY CHAPERONE. I was hired because Ann Hathaway had to pull out for some reason and who do you get to replace Ann Hathaway?  You get someone old enough to be her mother.  But the quality of that show and my colleagues again made me change the way I look at work and my part in it.

Moved to England to do my favorite/best paid gig ever, ONE TOUCH OF VENUS. 

It was assumed that all the Americans in the production would just hang out.  And then, one day, the Brits took me in.  Fed me dinner.  And love. And I never looked back. A beautiful British Invasion into my life.

Was so terribly homesick before the British Invasion.  My brother was in London and I asked to be excused from rehearsal so I could visit with him.  They refused.  I then told them I would be going.  They still refused.  So I kinda quit.  They kinda rehired me and kindly gave me a couple of hours off.

I tore my gastroc.  And performed anyway. Ow. Ow. Ow.  Got better/more immediate/more relevant healthcare in the UK than the US.

I did not fall in love at anytime during that year.  I fell into a bit of obsession and...well...THAT was a bit of a mess.

2003

What's going to be saddest about this exercise is I will feel the urge to go to my performance website to see what I was doing professionally at the time.  But I'm not going to.  And THEN I'm going to see how far off I was.

And ain't going to be anything sequential about this...just diving in.

My friend Rusty died.

I recorded, did the arrangements, some of the orchestrations, and produced a CD of lullabies from around the world (14 languages, GAH!) that blew my mind (GAH GAH) and got me so incredibly stressed out I NEEDED lullabies.  So my mom helped me out with my first Xanax ever. Googoo gah gah... thanks, Nana. Nana, the Pusher.

Everything else on the CD was done exquisitely and at a fraction of the cost by beloved friends. Such a gift that I'm sure I still need to repay somewhat  'cause  I don't think there's enough good in the world to do those cumulative kindnesses justice.

I spent a month in St. Petersburg (the Russian variety) where a night in was 4 shots.  A bad night out was 8 shots and crikey, did I feel special the next day.  I think I wore sunglasses for 24 hours straight 'cause ain't nothing so bright as a St. Petersburg winter.

I was the worst date ever.  I haven't been that bad a date since.  I promise.

I sang in some AWESOME legit-ish concerts and made my Carnegie debut. 

I ran into a guy I'd been strangely involved with...near my apartment.  But he lived in California.  That was REALLY bad luck for him and proved once and for all that I am here to out lies and fears... whether I want to or not.

I had the best birthday ever.  Everyone had to bring a dessert or liquor.  Friends cleaned and decorated my house.  I supplied the sparklers and fireworks. 

I had three straight hours of the best kissing ever.  Soul to soul.  Bone and sinew.  

I worked in theater for 31 weeks straight.

I got stressed.  Again.  Every time I was in the city I would see awful things. That's when I realized NYC is a reflection of what you feel on the outside.

Life By the Decade

I'm not sure how it came up, but my brother's family shared that they look at life and decisions for the future in terms of decades. Decades are doable for them. 

Decades are a lot for me.

But they dared me to look back and see the person I was ten years ago, and all that has happened. Nine years ago.  Eight years ago. What has stayed constant.  What has changed.

I'm not sure what I'm going to find.  But I'm going to attempt to do a year a day.  Major events.  Major changes.  Tiny events that rocked my world.

I wonder what I'll remember.  And will I block anything?

I can't wait to see what happens.  What happened.

Practically imperfect in every way.

Imperfect

Practically imperfect in every way.

Take THAT, Mary Poppins.

If a Watched Pot

never boils, then an unwatched pot...

boils over, burns and smells like shite.

Game?

What game?




and...

scene.

I Only Met Him Once

Steve Roland.

But I went to his memorial service last night...out of love for his son** and respect for...well...the aged in my business? Someone who made a living doing this shit?  A life well lived?  

Attention must be paid...always.

And I was introduced to this...

An Everyman Thing of Beauty on the Ed Sullivan Show.

This is singing. This is singing live in one take.  It's warm.  It's wonderful. It's human.  It's SOUND EFFECTS.  Great guitar playing. Showmanship.

Despite the fact it's on TV, this is theater at its best.

Watch and wonder and learn.

**Warm, wonderful and showman as well, he sent his Dad out in a glorious manner.