Thursday, April 21, 2011

So Many Things

I'm supposed to be doing since this renovation began that I'm just not.

What I have been doing is eating. And I've gained 6 pounds in 3 weeks.

What I'm finding fascinating is that my clothes still fit. I know it's not for long and the minute I wash them, I'm toast, but until then...mangez moi.

What I have been doing is going to the gym. It's near my filthy home, yet not my filthy home, so I feel pretty safe there. Especially in the sauna. I love a good sauna. And you can get this once cranked up to 180 degrees. It is a place of respite.

Except when...

The woman with...oh crap...what's it called when you make involuntary noises and curse a lot? Well, she not only doesn't like it when someone else comes in the sauna, she barks. It's fascinating but...not restful.

And then the plastic bag lady. I've complained to management about her before but to no avail. I missed the tell-tale plastics when I entered last time. But her routine tends to be

1. Leave plastic bag in sauna to heat up goodies while showering.
2. Come in and rattle plastic bag, eventually find lotion and juicily slather body.
3. Rattle plastic bag, replace lotion, find razor. Shave. Rattle.
4. Leave and Rinse.
5. Repeat plastic bag rattle, find lotion, apply to hair.
6. Repeat rattle, find comb, brush very long hair that comes out in clumps that are left on floor.
7. Leave and rinse.

I'm never quite sure what happens after that because I throw up in my mouth and have to leave. Although this last time SHE TOOK HER BAG WITH HER! So there I am chanting a la Rainman, "Maybe she's gone forever. Maybe she's gone forever. Maybe she's gone forever." only to find her listening at the door.


At the Russian Spa down on the Lower East Side, the eucalyptus steam room has a sign inside that reads, "No Shaving, Spitting or Picking of Teeth. Thank you, The Management."

I may have to steal it.

And may it be a lesson in courtesy to all. A "one size fits all" maxim.


  1. OMG i love this. you are hilarious.

    what sign was yesterdays horoscope reading for? it IS my life right now.

    From a Chakras standpoint. the reason you cannot stop eating is because of this:

    Chakra one: is our base chakra. it is our health, shelter, food, blood bones.. all the basic foundations for living.

    your shelter is invaded and disrupted. (though we do love Gilbert)
    you energy is trying to ground itself.. Sometimes when we feel threatened and need to hunker down our body literally weighs itself down trying to stand ground.

    thats what the chakra stuff would say.

    the suitcases.. well.. thats a whole other thing......

  2. xxx the suitcases will be living in a corner of the living room and be replaced by a beautiful antique dresser...whenever this renovation is done...which may be never.


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